Dark vision.

This post is going to cover at least three different things and maybe include some rambling.  You are thrilled, I can tell!

First:  A primary result or symptom of my depression is something that I have always referred to as “dark vision”.  It is the ability to view anything in the grimmest, most corrupted and loathsome possible regard.  Or perhaps it is an inability to see anything as positive, but I am speaking in an extreme and aggressive sense.  It also gives you an attachment to some really horrible things and a general comfort around that which might make others squeamish.  In addition to these things it makes the impossibly buoyant and cheerful people of the world THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER!!!  I can’t watch daytime talk shows, I want to stab the hosts.  I’m a pacifist.  I swear.  But I would strangle Rachael Ray with her own intestines.  I know, I shouldn’t even type words like this.  It can be really offputting.  Shit like this spills out of my mouth in reality as well, ten thousandfold when I am hypomanic and dysphoric.  I have a much higher shock threshold than the average person I find.  My father nicknamed me “Poe” in my teens due to my interest in the macabre and poetry.  Yeah I was kind of a goth/punk, big surprise.  I turned out okay.  You know, aside from this whole bipolar thing… Fucking genes.  At least my youthful appearance has been preserved, some consolation.
Second: “I’m depressed too, you know.”  I don’t know about you, but this phrase even when spoken by someone who is clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder throws me into a rage.  Okay, yes, I understand that you are depressed and that you are a beautiful, delicate, tragedy with intricate inner-workings and a full history of genetic shortcomings, not to mention some serious trauma.  But we were literally right in the middle of a conversation about my disorder.  Which is a lousy place to park your baggage train.  I would love to talk about your disorder, but just butting in to the middle of something I felt important enough to share with you, a vulnerability, with a flippant: “Oh well, that’s all well and good for you there kiddo, but I’M DEPRESSED TOO! DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT I AM MORE IMPORTANT! So just save it for your therapist there, sport.”  I find it really disrespectful/antisocial and I understand some people just can’t help themselves.  I know for a fact that I have a jacket of odd social behaviours that displease people.  So, I understand when people don’t realize that what they have done is offensive, but this little thing is the maximum offense that one can commit against me.  There are times and ways to segue into a conversation about YOUR disorder, leave this technique behind, it is really fucking rude.  Worse still, when people who have no diagnosed clinical depression of any kind say this.  Oh, you had a scary weekend vacation in Syria?  I fucking live here, shut up.  The thing that makes me feel kind of guilty about this is the fact that my life for the most part isn’t that bad.  All of my trouble occurs inside my own skull.
Third:  The lyrics of the song “Not Your Fault”  by AWOLnation sounds straight-up to me like a relationship from the perspective of a person with bipolar disorder:
This love up down,
Please believe.Baby, when I’m yellin’ at you,
It’s not your fault,
It’s not your fault, yeah and
Baby cause I’m crazy for you,
It’s not your fault
It’s not your fault, yeah and,
Maybe I’m a little confused,
It’s not your fault
It’s not your fault, yeah and
Baby, it’s a wonderful news.
It’s not your fault,
It’s not your fault, yeah.Oh, it’s not that you should care.
I just wanted you to know.I’m a fight with myself,
Till I’m bleeding.
Just a taste of your skin,
Starts the healing.
Anyone from my past,
Get your ammo.
Find my sun in the dark side,
Of my shadow.

This is just a small selection of the lyrics and the song goes between these really calm, sweet moments to these intense and frantic moments that remind me of the ups and downs of bipolar.  Just an observation.  This band has made references to psych disorders in the past and seem to be made up of really intelligent members.  I can’t say for sure that this was the intended effect, but it stands out to me.
A link to the official video as posted by Red Bull records on their youtube page: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm9-yVdxbSs  for those not familiar with the song.  I should note that I have nothing to do with the music industry, so this isn’t a plug.  Just something of interest that I felt was pertinent.
Positive:  I am making an attempt to be more positive.  It goes directly against my character.  Though, this is a character tempered developmentally by a disorder that has pointed me in a downward direction, likely since puberty.   It is nice to write and get things off my chest even if I reread it and think:  ‘Oh crap, I just spent over a thousand words talking about miserable shit and I sound like I’m complaining.’  This is not my intent, but getting the bad out is good.  I have been reading other peoples blogs on the same subject and I am inspired by the amazing people who are putting their stories out there.  You are all really incredible and I feel like I am in good understanding company.  This makes me a little happier.  I like it here, it is nice to feel like you have a place where you belong.  I used to be a really intense redditor, the thing about that is that people will troll and go out of their way to be contrary and disrespectful because there are no consequences, which brings out the worst in people.  At least here people seem to get it.
I am really just pontificating and procrastinating with regards to the promised post about relationships.  It is going to be a challenge but I feel as though it is vital.  It is coming soon.

3 responses to “Dark vision.

  1. As one with Bipolar, I can sympathize with these feelings. I karate people in the throat at least 3-4 times a day when I’m in my darkness (well, in my mind I do). Getting the bad out is the reason I decided to blog. I try to be positive, but if I’m not I don’t feel bad about it because it’s what I need to do. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. Pingback: Derailed/Breaking Point | ~Dysphorian Grey~ living with bipolar II

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