We have arrived for the most part at the present and have a good idea of who I am. This has been helpful for me, having the diagnosis of BPII dropped on you in your thirties is devastating. You knew that you were depressed, you had been for a long time. Suddenly it had taken a turn for the worse and your upbeat periods, or times when you felt ‘normal’ had dwindled to nonexistence. Where once you had spells where your self-confidence returned in spades, you now had nothing. Just long stretches of misery. Compounded by short days and long, cold nights of winter. This is to be expected of BPII, when you enter your early thirties (right around thirty-three) the hypomanic episodes fade. The euphoric nature lapses and the dysphoric becomes more prevalent. Jack was getting cranky. This isn’t perfectly the same for everyone of course, but this is the average. I was told this just today by Dr. Saint. I dig that guy.
As I have mentioned in the past he has been around. He really knows this illness having dealt with it as one of the first of a group of researchers who actually gave it traction. Most of the psychological professionals of the time were trying to divide mania and depression into two separate diagnoses. Of course you could have both, but this in their minds did not make it a specific illness. There were few who believed that there was a ‘manic depression’, fewer still who believed that there was more than one type, let alone a spectrum. Our beloved Dr. Saint was among these believers. I enjoy our conversations, he is a lively fellow.
Sex. In my last entry I forgot to mention sex and why I had such a cavalier attitude toward it. It is pretty standard validation seeking behaviour, the kind you would expect of someone who is depressed. Not everybody does this, I did and I did it rather poorly. Not the sex, well… I’m sure I have done that poorly as well at least a couple dozen times. No, what I meant was that I used to pick women up for the short term, yet fail to keep it short term. I enjoy women, their company, their nature and everything about them. I respect them, which I know seems ironic right now. I would pick women up in a hypomanic frenzy, while I was all arrogance and zeal. The next day however, I couldn’t bring myself to simply walk away. Many of these women ended up as relationships. I am not cold blooded. It is worth mentioning that many women do want you to walk away. In those cases I had no issue and sometimes ended up friends or maybe even a booty call (rarely). I’ve found that some women are ashamed to keep this kind of arrangement, I think they buy into the idea of sex being wrong or shameful. Oh puritanical fucktards, how you have mentally traumatized people needlessly because you can’t stand your own naked bodies. These are the truly disturbed people in the world.
I’m depressed too. Yeah, okay maybe you are trying to commiserate. I just find the placement of this super-extra-nuclear-mega frustrating. It usually happens when you are at a short pause while explaining something about your emotions. Then without so much as a few beeps the truck has already backed up and dumped this right in there on you. Again, I have plenty of awkward social deviances. If you are dealing with someone who has depression wait until you are certain that they are done speaking and do not present your solidarity as a one-ups-manship, nor a dismissive blast. “Yeah, so what?! I’m depressed TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Fuck off, no you aren’t. You are down, glum, less-than-chipper. You have a basic misunderstanding of what it means to be depressed, especially if you then follow this with cheerful advice about simply looking at the positive. Please don’t be this kind of Dr. Phil. This is where the switch from ‘suicidal’ to ‘homicidal’ exists.
^ Enough of that shit. I feel part ways guilty that I even said it, but it has been triggering dysphoric fits so powerful in me lately that I actually snapped on a loved one. Completely went sideways with anger. I’m learning to breathe and meditate. It isn’t helping. Despite not liking advice from people to ‘look at the positive’ I have been trying to be more positive. I don’t know. I buy my t-shirts in vibrant colours so that I don’t find myself wearing olive, black and grey constantly. Little things.