Housekeeping and Catching Up

We have arrived for the most part at the present and have a good idea of who I am.  This has been helpful for me, having the diagnosis of BPII dropped on you in your thirties is devastating.  You knew that you were depressed, you had been for a long time.  Suddenly it had taken a turn for the worse and your upbeat periods, or times when you felt ‘normal’ had dwindled to nonexistence.  Where once you had spells where your self-confidence returned in spades, you now had nothing.  Just long stretches of misery.  Compounded by short days and long, cold nights of winter.  This is to be expected of BPII, when you enter your early thirties (right around thirty-three) the hypomanic episodes fade.  The euphoric nature lapses and the dysphoric becomes more prevalent.  Jack was getting cranky.  This isn’t perfectly the same for everyone of course, but this is the average.  I was told this just today by Dr. Saint.  I dig that guy.

As I have mentioned in the past he has been around.  He really knows this illness having dealt with it as one of the first of a group of researchers who actually gave it traction.  Most of the psychological professionals of the time were trying to divide mania and depression into two separate diagnoses.  Of course you could have both, but this in their minds did not make it a specific illness.  There were few who believed that there was a ‘manic depression’, fewer still who believed that there was more than one type, let alone a spectrum.  Our beloved Dr. Saint was among these believers.  I enjoy our conversations, he is a lively fellow.  
Sex.  In my last entry I forgot to mention sex and why I had such a cavalier attitude toward it.  It is pretty standard validation seeking behaviour, the kind you would expect of someone who is depressed.  Not everybody does this, I did and I did it rather poorly.  Not the sex, well… I’m sure I have done that poorly as well at least a couple dozen times.  No, what I meant was that I used to pick women up for the short term, yet fail to keep it short term.  I enjoy women, their company, their nature and everything about them.  I respect them, which I know seems ironic right now.  I would pick women up in a hypomanic frenzy, while I was all arrogance and zeal.  The next day however, I couldn’t bring myself to simply walk away.  Many of these women ended up as relationships.  I am not cold blooded.  It is worth mentioning that many women do want you to walk away.  In those cases I had no issue and sometimes ended up friends or maybe even a booty call (rarely).  I’ve found that some women are ashamed to keep this kind of arrangement, I think they buy into the idea of sex being wrong or shameful.  Oh puritanical fucktards, how you have mentally traumatized people needlessly because you can’t stand your own naked bodies.  These are the truly disturbed people in the world.  
I’m depressed too.  Yeah, okay maybe you are trying to commiserate.  I just find the placement of this super-extra-nuclear-mega frustrating.  It usually happens when you are at a short pause while explaining something about your emotions.  Then without so much as a few beeps the truck has already backed up and dumped this right in there on you.  Again, I have plenty of awkward social deviances.  If you are dealing with someone who has depression wait until you are certain that they are done speaking and do not present your solidarity as a one-ups-manship, nor a dismissive blast.  “Yeah, so what?!  I’m depressed TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”  Fuck off, no you aren’t.  You are down, glum, less-than-chipper.  You have a basic misunderstanding of what it means to be depressed, especially if you then follow this with cheerful advice about simply looking at the positive.  Please don’t be this kind of Dr. Phil.  This is where the switch from ‘suicidal’ to ‘homicidal’ exists.  
^ Enough of that shit.  I feel part ways guilty that I even said it, but it has been triggering dysphoric fits so powerful in me lately that I actually snapped on a loved one.  Completely went sideways with anger.  I’m learning to breathe and meditate.  It isn’t helping.  Despite not liking advice from people to ‘look at the positive’ I have been trying to be more positive.  I don’t know.  I buy my t-shirts in vibrant colours so that I don’t find myself wearing olive, black and grey constantly.  Little things.  

7 responses to “Housekeeping and Catching Up

  1. The phrase I hate most:

    “Think positive and your mind and life will get better.”

    You can’t wish away depression, and if that were the case, and if it were that easy, there would be no depression in the world. If you had a broken leg would people expect you to limp around saying “It’s totally fine! I don’t need to walk.” Fuck no!! They would take your ass to emergency so you could have your abnormally bent leg shoved in a cast! But for some reason a lot of wilfully ignorant people think depression is a choice, and it’s not like it’s an invisible illness either so that is no excuse for people looking for a way to explain it away.

  2. I feel like what you described with your symptoms changing is right on the button. I’ve been begging my sister to get help before her episodes begin bleeding together into the fun roller-coaster lasting years with almost no letting up that I’ve been dealing with. Good post.

    • Oddly enough my sibling seems to be more unipolar, major depressive. The symptoms of which cause a crash with a frightening disappearance of several days to a week or more. It always scares me a tiny bit. Thanks for the compliment, your blog is one of the most inspired things I’ve seen, it actually gave me the idea to start writing about my disorder. So, give yourself a pat on the back, you either created a monster or gave one an outlet, depending on how you want to look at it.

  3. Unbelievable. The are so many bloggers in this community that I can relate to. I am incredibly impressed with your style of writing and feel as if you have somehow taken shelter in mind and decided to blog about my story. Thank you for sharing your talents with us. You are a fantastic writer.

    • Thank-you. In truth this exercise has allowed me to maintain a focus on writing for a duration that until now has been impossible for me. I am using this as an opportunity to sharpen my claws and find my voice in the hopes that I can transition into some form of professional writing. Please don’t take this to mean that I am in some way being exploitative, except perhaps of myself. Which I’ve given myself permission to do. Honest feedback is always welcome, even if it is negative, so long as it is constructive.

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