The only addiction I ever had that stuck was nicotine. Which, between topiramate and wellbutrin may not stick for long. I have already reduced my smoking substantially. I drank more than heavily throughout my twenties and tried if not abused every substance known to man. This is what I did instead of education. Productive, was it not? Too bad Hunter S. Thompson predates me by about fourty years or I might have had some successful books. I suppose I still could, but really, after the legends what is the point? Why would I want to be compared to that? I guess that doesn’t stop shitty guitarists from making bad (successful) albums in the wake of Jimi Hendrix and Jimmy page. I have found it particularly strange that no matter how hard I went, no matter how long the bender, I wasn’t susceptible to addiction. I’m just one of those types I suppose, cigarettes excluded of course. I would reenact the key scene in “Saw” if I thought there was a cigarette in a nuns stomach. I’m not proud of it, but I am very attached to the habit (see what I did there?).
For most of my life my friends, my real, long term, accepting friends. The people who know that there is something up with me but still deal with me anyway because they see the good features under the storm. These people, in looking back on my life are kind of miraculous. I begin to realize that there have been all of these situations where they have invited me into their lives completely expecting (perhaps hoping) that I would start a tirade. I think I represent a certain amount of excitement. Like storm chasers these people have gotten close enough to ride the lightning. At the end of it all though, they end up with normal lives. They get married, have children and having hurricane Hugo over for diner can get more than a little awkward. Children love a good storm, until the thunder gets too loud when the lightning is too close. Then they cry. Kids normally like me actually, for reasons that I think are obvious. I’m a silly bastard when I need to be and I am imaginative. I am typically more interested in what they are doing than the adults. I think they understand that I find them more interesting. Grown-ups are married and boring. I wonder if all people start out bipolar and only some of us outgrow it? Think about it. When you are a kid you can be pleased as punch one minute and crying within a heartbeat. Then, no more than a few seconds later you find something that distracts you and you manage to keep yourself busy until you feel okay. From there you get worked up and next thing you know you are running all over the place laughing your face off and kicking the shit out of life. Seriously, I think there is something worth studying here.
So kids like crazy uncle Dysphorian, but the parents understand. I think they know that there is something amiss. That I haven’t been wired right since they met me, as far back as high school. When I think about it, if there was ever a doubt in my mind as a parent it might make me uncomfortable and so I guess I understand. I have one friend I have known my whole life, he has serious ADHD and a wonderful daughter who is now about five. I will never have my own children, he knows this and so his daughter has become my niece. He is very cool about letting me have some time, I think he understands that it affects me. You see, with my depression and knowing that it was genetic and lifelong I opted to have a vasectomy. I didn’t want to expose my children to my moods. I didn’t want them to grow up to suffer the same horrible struggles that I had. So my friend, the guy that he is, allows me to shower his daughter with affection, she is the closest thing I will have to a daughter and just thinking about that makes me cry. Which is twisted, you know? Because I was never the kind of guy to want children. Not until the last few years, then almost as soon as I had the idea I had the rug pulled out from under me. To those of you in this thing with children, my hat goes off and my heart goes out to you. You are a way bigger person than I am.
One never knows for certain though. Maybe these medications will do the trick and once I see some stability for a substantial period of time I may just adopt. It isn’t out of the question, yet anyway… I’m sure that should the nature of my disorder become known I would be black listed.