Stasis.

Much like that period of time while waiting for meds to take effect I find myself in that period of time waiting for seasons to change.  For those of us also affected by SAD we have the worsened misery of being held down by the winter.  This has been a long one and what with recent events probably the worst one of my life.  I usually write in my blog every Sunday but I haven’t for the last month as I frankly just haven’t felt up to it.  I have been in a stasis.  Going through the motions.  After the deep betrayal and abandonment of my wife, after being left high and dry by the people in my world I just didn’t feel up to a whole lot.  My emotions eventually balanced themselves out, it didn’t take nearly as long as I thought.  However, I felt numbed, disengaged.  Like there was no fight left in me.  I just don’t see the sense in carrying on.  People are garbage.  I really can’t be bothered getting all caught up in their lives, invested in their mundane, self-interested bullshit.  I am deeply altruistic, so much so that I look out over the breadth of the world and care so much more for the suffering peoples in the far-flung corners of the world than I do myself.  I get really worked up about causes that don’t affect strait, caucasian, WASP, males with blue eyes who are healthy and fit at six feet tall and two hundred pounds lean.  For all intents and purposes I am the model of what the world aspires to be (perceived).  I have nothing to be worried about, if I were as self interested as the rest of the world I could go to sleep at night and wake up safe in the knowledge that I am the greatest thing therein.  A dragon among ants.  Yet I don’t.  Because my heart bleeds for the things that it isn’t.  In a way I guess I cause myself some undue stress, but I see it as a responsibility to protect others if and when they haven’t the means to protect themselves.  I see it as a duty to stand up for equality when justice is not being served.  This has been with me since I was a child, as long as I can remember.

So the seasons have not changed and nor has my state of being.  The meds are working and Dr. Saint has increased my Cymbalta to 60mgs.  This is kind of intense.  I feel what I can only describe as normal.  Seriously.  I think I feel what regular people must have always felt like, though I have no frame of reference.  The goal is not to feel super happy good times at all moments.  The goal is to not feel mopey, dumpy and want to kill yourself and to feel happy when it is appropriate rather than anxious.  Mission accomplished.  Yet, I am not “happy” for good and obvious reasons.  My wife recently left me.  While I am “over” this, being TOTALLY rejected as a human being complete for something so innocuous and workable as depression is jilting.  It hurts.  It is actually the worst pain I have ever felt.  It is worse than any injustice and hatred I have yet to experience.  I have been assessed over the course of two years by a person, a person who chose to marry me (FOR LIFE) who knew about my disorder and claimed to understand it.  They saw the dark side of my disorder and despite all of the wonderful things I said and did for this person I was rejected completely.  This is especially painful given that this person is actually much worse off without me.  Lives in filth and squalor.  Cannot perform the most basic of familial duties.  Which is why I am over them, but not the sting of the rejection.  I am much better than this situation and I know it.  I am much better than the abuse of it.  I am better than all parties involved.  Yet I am the one on the outside, alone in the cold.
I started dating again.  I met a woman, she is an artist.  I am a very honest person so I mentioned my disorder right up front and she has no issues with this.  I don’t think either of us expect it to go very far, there are many complications.  I can say so far that I personally would try rather hard to make things work with her but she is cautious for her children and I respect that.  She has roots where she lives which is two hours away from where I am and I don’t think she wants to move too far.  She has the most amazing smile.  I just like to look at her.  It is nice to have something in your life that cheers you up, even if there isn’t much hope in it.  One never knows though.
After a month you would think I could ramble, alas I have little to say.  The meds are working, the weather is improving but not quite there yet and there is a woman on the horizon.  It is always darkest before the dawn and my dawn is breaking.  My stasis may be coming to a close and for once I may be feeling a real sense of hope.  I might even learn how to make genuine friends.  I can dream can’t I?
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