I haven’t been terribly good about keeping up with my blogging on a regular basis.  I should say up front that I have had a change of medication.  I went from Cymbalta to Effexor, then from it to Pristiq which is essentially the same except without all the side effects.  So what I am settled on now is this cocktail:  during the day I take 150 mg Wellbutrin (Bupropion) xl, 25 mg (1/2 tablet) Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine).  At night I take 200 mg Topamax (Topiramate).  At the time of this writing I am quite stable and content.

Drawbacks:  I do not have a therapist or psychologist that I visit for ongoing therapy of any kind.  I see a doctor who adjusts my meds based on my moods like fixing the PH balance in a pool.  I have a history of therapy resistance which is contrary to most psyche patients.  Typically what they are finding is that psyche patients are benefiting more from their therapy and less from the medication.  I find myself in therapy sessions with people who moralize and judge my motives (which is not actual therapy) because they are merely human afterall and not capable of truly being objective and removing themselves from their own opinion long enough to get the job done.  Frequently I find that these psyche workers are just barely intelligent enough to be where there are which I find offensive.  Not to be arrogant but I am, in point of fact, gifted.  So, there I am swimming intellectual laps around these poor oafs wondering why it is these floundering fools are in the position of analyzing ME?!  I find the experience demeaning and dreadful.  I try to play along until I spot holes in their process or flawed logic and call them on it and it all falls apart…

I need a therapist.  I need one to learn to cope with the new range of emotion available to me.  I am no longer relegated to the base tones.  I now have tenor to soprano in my range and I would like to understand how to control them.  I have always had them there obviously, I am now no longer hindered or drawn back by the gravity of abject misery and being lofty has left me open and paranoid.  This has lead to some random behaviours.  Not disturbing nor negative but they border on manic and have me slightly worried.  I find myself perpetually awaiting the drop of the other shoe.

Other than this I feel terrific.  I’m horny.  I don’t mind saying.  I am a physically fit man in his mid thirties who is actually getting more attractive as he ages and gets more physically fit and less awkward and gangly.  Filling out has been a blessing!  My steel blue eyes, symmetry, high French cheekbones and hard German jawline have all conspired to improve my appearance with time.  My only worry was weight gain around the middle as I still have all my own teeth and hair (which hasn’t gained a single grey), alas with recent physical training I have been doing for a large circuit I have lost twenty pounds.  So, I am down to one ninety and feel wooden all over.  I look as though someone blended Hugh Grant and Pierce Brosnan and then made them slightly less attractive (hey, I’m arrogant but not THAT arrogant).  All in all I look as good as I feel.   MUCH younger women are eyeballing me and I have been dating a few.  One twenty year old and a twenty three year old, obviously they were unsuccessful but a good ego boost.  There was a twenty six year old and a twenty eight year old they were both disasters…  Dating in this region is utterly horrible due to a massively disproportionate male to female ratio.  Despite this my looks have managed to get me in the door.  Sadly, the environment is such that the women are a little on the worked-over side and not usually worth the effort.  I don’t mean physically… I’m not so puritanical as you already know.  I mean, after SO MANY shitbags they just don’t have it in them to enjoy the company of a quality individual.  I feel for them, I do.  Also, I walked into all of these knowing in the first place I wasn’t going anywhere with them (I felt shitty but I was using them as training grounds) they were recovery dates, just getting back into the game.  I won’t lie I was also pushing the boundaries a little as well to see if I couldn’t manage a one night stand or two.  I know… It is hardly gentlemanly, but it is good sport and with the odds stacked so hard against I figured why not?  An older chap like myself taking a run at a few younger ladies who are perpetually inundated with propositions from an untold horde of knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathers.  I surmised that should I actually get anywhere that this would be the ultimate test of one’s mettle.  Well, I did manage to get into some fully naked business with one of the ladies, sadly I’m not sure that this was really a test of anyone’s prowess if you get my meaning…

In the meantime there is a woman in my life who actually matters.  I kind of know that she is right for the throne because I have been telling her all about my exploits and she has been giving me advice.  She has been laughing at the horrible catastrophe that is the dating scene with me.  She has been a confidant and a friend.  We are growing close, though we are doing this through social media.  We have known one another in real life and even dated at one point a very long time ago.  The problem I have here if any is that this how I became reconnected with my wife.  Not to say that they are even close to the same person.  This woman is already far more accepting and understanding than my wife ever was.  It still makes me uncomfortable having that similarity and also reconnecting with someone from my past, yet again.

I will be going away on a company training seminar for two weeks so my personal activities may have to go on hold.  Or not.  Maybe I will simply shoot for the absolutely most shallow and vapid of short-term goals.  What my friends used to call “Fire-sale hookers”.  I know, it isn’t particularly classy but you get the meaning.  The idea is to sleep with women without paying for a thing.  No strings-attached.  This would also be an excellent emotional balancing act.  I know that it sounds nearly deplorable.  However, if you have the capability of reigning in your emotions well enough to callously pull off a score like this and not cave.  I think you may just be ready to rejoin society as a well-adjusted normal card carrying member of the NRA and local church bake sale.  Brother, you would be healed!


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