I don’t really know any other way to put it. I am still on my meds however I don’t think they are doing what they are supposed to. I have been having really sharp downturns coupled with extreme and viscous suicidal ideation. Frankly I just don’t want to fucking live anymore and I really don’t care… I doubt I will carry out any kind of actual self-harm but I am currently feeling really shitty. I am on the verge of tears while writing this and there is no reason that I can think of to explain why. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I hate everybody. I hate every person that I know. They are all either intentionally misunderstanding, willfully deluded idiots or they truly just do not give a fuck about me. Either way in this at least I have two things in common with them: I don’t care about me and I do not give a flying fuck about them. There is perhaps a single person on this planet that I love and I see her once every two years. She has just as many problems as I do so our relationship is strained at the best of times and honestly I see no way to make that any better. My sister is twice the person that I am, I just wish she could have some of my bullheaded, idiotic strength. With it she could be formidable. I can’t seem to get anywhere with it. I am a shambles as a human-being. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’ve been having vivid images of bleeding out from my neck in the shower. I am alone here. I have no love. I have no life. I have nothing to live for. What the fuck is the point?