I don’t really recognize myself anymore.  I spoke to Dr. Saint this last week about my mood swings and serious suicidal ideation and he said that I need to give my pristiq some time to balance out.  That I might be experiencing a shifting cycle.  However, my downturns are far more extreme than they ever were without medication and I no longer have any manic boosts.  Just misery and dysphoria.  Mediated by periods of neutrality.  I was never truly great at being a person but now I am utterly horrible.  I still do not have therapy.  I cannot cope with people who do not understand depression even slightly, worse still are people who claim to.  Beyond that are people who “have dealt with it” and throw some “tough love” on you.  Give you the “just get over it” or “be positive” routine… Like, do they not realize that this is what is most likely to cause someone in my position to kill myself?  I know that I am being sensitive right now and I am really doing my best to temper myself.  Though it is totally true.  The very last thing you want to do to anyone depressive, bipolar or unipolar or “regular” depressed is tell them to “toughen up” or “get over it”  or “suck it up”.  Fucking seriously.  You want me to toughen up?  How about shotgun in my mouth toughen up asshole? Is that tough enough for you?  How tough will you feel cleaning my brains off of your porch?  Fucker.

I had someone, actually I had the LAST someone do this to me recently and I felt the maximum amount of betrayal.  The very last person I cared about, other than my sister of course.  I’m still crying.  I don’t want to be.  I’m actually a very rugged and tough guy… I weigh a fair amount.  I would kill a man with my bare hands.  Yet… here I am crying because the very last person in my support network who much like my wife continued to stress that they understood depression.  Yet, they gave me the: “toughen up and get over it”.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I was very near in love with this woman.  She seemed like a damn dream.  I wanted to devote myself to her when I could get myself right and now?  Fuck that!  Why in hell would I support anything that would refuse to support me?  She started out so caring and understanding.  Then she just… I don’t know… Out of nowhere she just turned on me like I did something to her…

Maybe it has something to do with my dysphoric nature.  Maybe the perpetual negativity got to her.  I keep thinking about killing myself.  I don’t think I want to and I am fairly certain that it just the illness, maybe the meds are fucking with me.  But the fantasy is like an old comfortable friend and now that I have nothing else I can’t help it and the reality of it is getting more and more attractive.  Last week I pictured stabbing myself in the jugular multiple times throughout the week.  At one point I was holding a knife and I had to set it down because with manic fits of dysphoria one never knows when impulsivity will take it too far.  I think Not writing here has been a huge mistake.  I am totally aware that my problems sound like that of a teenage girl in a psyche ward and I sound like a total sissy but I don’t care.  It is way better than killing myself?  Maybe?  I am seriously beginning to doubt that.  What do i genuinely have to live for.  As a gifted individual I should be able to answer that question and I can’t.


2 responses to “Unbound

  1. Hey there, I wanted to reach out–I’m new to blogging/reading on wordpress, and haven’t had a chance to read more of your blog yet, but I wanted to say that I hear you about suidical ideation. It is hard and scary in any level of extreme-ness! I also wanted to tell you to hold on. We need you in this world. Writing and talking about this stuff with other people is important. I don’t know a lot about what’s going on in your life, but I wanted to let you know I’m listening.

  2. And they wonder why I’m not a people person. I have always tried not to overwhelm my friends… but when you don’t *look* sick… the remarks from people can devastate. Know there are those of us who know a bit about what you are going through ,,, and days you feel can’t keep doing, write!

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