As the title would suggest I had my second rendez-vous with the woman I am now dating. We have arranged for a third so that makes it officially a trend. She is difficult to read and I am not entirely certain what her intentions of me are. She has made it difficult for me to end both of these meetings with a kiss. I can’t say as to why. We met through a dating app, so she had seen pictures of me and selected me based on appearance and on this particular date admitted to finding me attractive. I know that there is more to it than simply looks and I fathom that she is likely still feeling me out. Yet, for the most part she hardly asks me questions. It seems so unusual to me. Again, she is more than happy to arrange to meet again for a later date, this time in swimwear as we will be engaging in paddle boarding. Perhaps she is attempting to assess my physique? I am in reasonably good shape especially given my age though I have one marginal issue… I have a disproportionate abdominal muscle cluster. I know… It sounds like I’m bragging and it would except that this ever so slightly makes it look as though I have a small potbelly. Which I don’t. It is pure muscle. My friends tease me about it all the time, until I tell one of them to punch it and they nearly break their wrist. My chest is a tad too small as well so this accentuates the appearance of this. I refuse to do situps or core workouts and try desperately to work my upper body and chest as much as possible. Ah well, I am not remotely obese and other than this slight thing I am a very attractive man. All of my problems are in my skull…
Thus far from what I have learned of this woman I like her and she turns me on. The entire time that I am with her my eyes scan her from head to toe and take in every little detail of her. From the width of her chin and the way it’s recessed ever so slightly to her fine fingers. She is very attractive though maybe not the most beautiful woman on the planet but she is ringing my every bell right now and it is quite frankly bothering me a little. I keep thinking of the Weezer song “Why Bother?” I feel like I am going to get myself worked up about her and it isn’t going to work out. I want to warn you before you comment on this post that if you aren’t at least forty years of age and haven’t been through at least two marriages or a good twenty year successful relationship, or twenty plus relationships don’t offer me advice. I know way the fuck more than you and I won’t be condescended to by children. It’s patronizing and fucking annoying. It is my biggest fucking pet peeve, I recently had a twenty five year old woman do this to me in public and I almost killed her. No lady, no matter how much you think you’ve gotten around I definitely have more relationship experience than you, yes I might be bad at it, but you aren’t skilled yourself having just now gotten engaged. You have no right to preach, shut your fucking pie hole. End of. I was instead polite and walked away for fear of being arrested.
Point is, I’m hypomanic and I overanalyze. I know that it has the potential to ruin things. It always has and always will. I want this one, I like her. Sometimes you just know and I want to know that she feels the same and I really don’t in her case. I’m getting no readings off of her. None, which is really strange but not definitive. I’ve had a zero reading turn into a long term relationship before. I’ve had an attempt to blow a woman off turn into a long term relationship before. I’m not generally the hopeful sort but I think that my best bet on this one is to stay positive and ride it out. See what happens. I already have the feeling that I am going to be crushed if it doesn’t work out but fuck, if I’m in for a penny I’m in for a pound. May as well go full hog and throw myself in completely at this point I have nothing to lose.
What follows is a post from many weeks ago that I wrote about half way and then for whatever reason never posted. There are some things in here that I felt I wanted to share so I thought I would include it with this. Enjoy.
Humble Offerings/Character Flaws:
I adore science fiction over fantasy because to me it is a place that we are yet to go. It is still possible as opposed to simply a fluffy flight of the imagination. Don’t take me wrong, I enjoy a fine departure from reality. However, let us be perfectly reasonable, casting fireballs that launch from our bare hands isn’t likely to come to us by way of raw magic but rather technology and therefore science fiction will inspire minds to get us to that point. Whereas fantasy is simply nonsense. Beautiful nonsense, but silly gibberish all the same. It is vacuous drivel that leads nowhere. Science fiction has given us everything that we have today. Cell phones, jets, rockets, satellites, helicopters, you name it. Anything even remotely cool that you can think of technologically that exists science fiction described it first, perhaps only in some strange mutant, doppelganger version of what we have now but it did. Fantasy describes things primarily that never were and more than likely will never be, which isn’t inspirational, it is disappointing and hope dashing. Which is why I kind of dislike Disney. Don’t get me wrong as a child I loved it and have warm memories of it. It didn’t traumatize me to discover it was all a big sham. Though, imagine a world where instead of hooking kids on imaginary garbage that never will be, we got them hooked on things they could yet help develop…
I liken myself in many regards to Data from Star Trek, The Next Generation. Superior in many regards to most human beings, yet not really a real human. I have skills that many will never develop nor care to. Yet they can socialize comfortably in ways that I have serious problems with that are not readily obvious. Now, obviously I am not superhuman like Data. I mean, that character is vastly superior to me in so many ways, obviously. I am not the same, I just feel similar in some regards. Like how in some ways my emotions are not functional. Though adversely, there are times when my emotions are far too intense (like in the episodes where they give him the emotion chip). I guess what I mean is that I feel like an incomplete android. I feel like I can relate to the struggle of looking around at humanoids in my proximity and having to construct my character and perpetually build upon myself based on their behaviours.
My medications have seemed to top out as it were. Most of my old behaviours are back to some degree and I don’t feel particularly great. Suicidal ideation has been sneaking back into my thoughts. I recognize it so I can deal with it and I am in no threat so don’t worry. However, I linger on the fantasy like an old familiar lover. I don’t know why this is so comfortable for me, as well as so comforting. Should it be? I find myself anxious and fraught, tumultuous with racing thoughts and incapable of focusing on my writing. When I finally do it feels like it comes out rough and lacks flow. For my regular readers (I assume there are those who have visited here more than once, perhaps I am delusional) there must have been a few snippets here or there that you found enchanting to read. Some prose here on my blog that was charming or had panache. Not to sound arrogant (though I frequently do so to hell with it) but my literary writing is even more like that. My blog is not what I would call stylish nor a fine example of my skills. So what I mean by rough and lacks flow is that it begins to churn out as less perhaps even than blog style word making. Not exactly the most pleasing to read, which of course can always be corrected later so long as the ideas are there. It just takes the joy out of writing for me. Then the racing thoughts wash away what I was trying to call to mind anyway and it doesn’t matter.
In addition to my conditions I have a particular living and working situation that I have mentioned before that exacerbates and possibly is of itself a depressive issue. I live in a remote area for my job with little access to many things that I hold dear and enjoy, such as friends and family. Very few of the things that I enjoy are present here. I actually like the big city and I am in a deep woods, very rural situation out here. I like having access to nice clothing stores. This place doesn’t have an H&M for all my little staples and accessories… No Old Navy for men’s v-neck t-shirts… No American Eagle for jeans that fit me (I have the proportions of a male model so I have to get teenager sizes, I know poor me right?!). This is all really superficial shit, but I like being in the city. Before I lost my therapists (rejected them for being substandard) I complained of lack of stimulus. They suggested that if I wanted culture that the local symphony was playing at the theatre. I’m sorry, I’ve seen a philharmonic live. Seeing volunteer farmers play cello is about as exciting to me as watching them butcher cows. Less actually. The landscape out here is desolate to me, don’t get me wrong if you are the rural type and like all that Duck Dynasty, hillbilly, inbred nonsense, this place would probably be heaven.
Would the location matter? My dark vision makes nearly every landscape look this way.