Friendships Down

I’ve given up on the concept of friendship and it seems as though I am behind the trend as it were with regards to this.  Everytime I mention friendship to people in my life whether they be people I consider friends or acquaintances I always get a similar response.  People always reply with something to the effect of: “Oh yeah, we hardly have friends anymore.  This isn’t high school.”  Which kind of perturbs me.  Perhaps it is because of my social mimicry but I have a habit of trying to maintain relationships from my past and I have noticed an alarming trend of people simply not doing the same with regards to me.  Yes, it is more than likely personal.  They probably have elected to not bother to carry on relationships with me in particular.  That hurts.  Also it is the fact that people approaching my age simply don’t carry on relationships with people from their past no matter how well intended and friendly those people remain toward them.  It doesn’t help that social media and hypomanic episodes have conspired to make me seem like more than a bit of a wanker, especially with my blend of dark humour and pedantic fastidious adherence to science based logic.  Seriously, people need to stop spamming social media with anti-vax, anti-GMO, anti-abortion, republican, anti-human, superstitious, religious bullshit.  It has to stop.  We are past the dark ages.

I quit facebook several days ago.  It was bad for my state of mind and I came to the realization as mentioned above that I was tied to people who mean exactly nothing to me.  They circulate shit-information that because of my hypomanic nature I then have to crusade against which makes me look like an asshole which does not make ANYONE like me any more regardless how correct I am.  Funny thing about pissing on peoples parades, even if they are the bad guys you still look like the shithead for ruining the party.  So I left that scene.

Things seem to be proceeding with the lady.  I decided today I wasn’t going to be manic and I was going to avoid texting her.  I wasn’t sure if she would text me or not but I said ‘fuck it’ and left it alone.  Sure enough she texted me and we started a cute conversation that lead from not only our next date but to it being at her place and how she was going to have to put in effort to make that happen.  I admitted that I felt like a bit of a jerk to put her to the trouble but she still seemed keen on hosting me, all of this after suggesting that it would be easier for us to make out whilst watching a movie.  Seeing as we are in our thirties and we can no longer do this at a theater and get away with it.  Also, we both smoke so the ability to pause to take breaks to accommodate that is handy and we can also talk and get to know one another, movies at a theater are lousy for dates in my opinion.  So, I think that I better understand her now and I finally have more of a reading on her.

The problem that I face now though is how to proceed.  I have kind of given up on other people.  When you enter into a relationship you socialize and share one anothers social existence.  You introduce friends to your significant other and vice versa.  I am totally getting ahead of myself, the reason that I even mention it though is that we had this discussion.  She mentioned that she wanted to strike that healthy balance of settled down but not dead.  To which I agreed.  I really do want to socialize, unfortunately the idea of maintaining friends has become a batch of plates that I do not have the wherewithal to attend to the spinning of.  I want to go to dinner parties and cook meals.  I want to share wines and the like, but the actual tracking of persons for doing this with has become tedious.  Exhausting.  If they don’t invite me I am likely to just scrap it and read books and hopefully write a few.  I don’t know that this is what the new woman in my life will want, though she is a reader which excites me.  Like, it actually makes me sexually aroused and I don’t know why.  Something about a slutty librarian pops into my mind.  Will I ever shake this playboy mentality?  I fucking hope not.


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