Crossroads/Ascension

From the title something about taking the high road comes to mind.  Changes are constant in life, especially so for the bipolar.  Abundantly so for those on the mend.  A thousandfold for him that has a budding family, a tolerant, accepting woman and is changing careers.  That’s right, my whole world is changing shape.  I will no longer be Pangaea.  My entire landscape is moving and heaving, tectonic plates are rising and grinding, bursting forth.  It is a wild time to be me.  I have no idea what it is that I intend to become, but I know that it will be something that utilizes my mind considerably more than my current occupation.  Also, hopefully when all is said and done I can even tell you, Dear reader, what that and my current occupation are.  No promises though.

Strife is coming to a close with with the three year old boy.  I am normally very good with children and for reasons that I cannot explain I had been having trouble with my girlfriends son.  I think perhaps because her whole world is wrapped around this difficult little human larvae.  He is generally speaking a good child, though when his veneer cracks and his (only human, all too familiar) manipulative nature shows I just could not abide it.  I cannot stand having his whimsy become the centre of my universe.  This woman means so much to me.  So much that her slightest mood is my weather system, further up the chain from that is the boy and he has this effect on her…  No good.  If, as a self-interested churl, he should take advantage of this situation as children are often wont to do when they realize they have their mothers at their whimsy, it causes utter disaster in my life.  So, when I see this and attempt to address it with her I further underscore myself as the outsider and asshole.  Because OBVIOUSLY a toddler cannot POSSIBLY be self-centred and clever enough to take advantage of it.  OBVIOUSLY her child is special and precious and unique and angelic and perfect and good and magnificent and better than and nothing at all like all the others that ever came before it.  OBVIOUSLY I am just a ROTTEN CHILD HATING SHITSACK.

So, you see, I have had some adjusting to do.  Toddlers are perfect people innately, without training and over the course of thirty or so years they do nothing but pick up bad habits, learn superstitions, lies and become bitter, conniving, spiteful and hateful.  We clearly don’t make objective observations based on what we see with our over one hundred and forty I.Q. and interest in psychosocial development.  So I have had to learn to adjust my entire broken, shitty life to accommodate them and their healthy ways.

I know it sounds bitter, really though it isn’t.  I know that it is wrong for me to passively lay down and just let them roll all over me.  However, if I take a stand and scream and yell and tell them that they need to shut the fuck up and let me in and listen to me.  Let me fucking show them how accept me.  Nobody is going to accept me… So I just have to take the acceptance that I get, the love that I get.  If it is in their unhealthy balancing act, so long as I actually want to be a part of it… I have to do it on their terms.  I love this woman very, very much.  She loves her child very, very much (OBVIOUSLY).  So I have to enter that on their terms.  I can’t disrupt the chi.

I am learning the various outcomes that constitute positive and happy resolutions.  Crossroads often have more than two divergent paths, some have many, many options.  Some of those options lead onward and upward.  I elect to take that road.

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