Woman/Tumult

I say sweet things. I employ my nine years of culinary experience and make nice meals. I text cute messages. I try my hardest to improve my relationship with the toddler and succeed, gradually and find more and more that I really like him.  I massage her feet when she comes home from work. I worship women and she is the altar at which I pray. I’m trying harder and harder, doing my very best. Then I say something obtuse or possibly crass and we argue. The slightest thing and we fight. I don’t want to but in the moment I can’t seem to calm her and I get the feeling she doesn’t want to be calmed. It kills me inside knowing that our relationship hangs by a thin rope and every argument snaps one more thread away from it. Never to be mended. We recover but only by degrees and her mood stays dark and wary for weeks. Nothing I say or do can please her and everything I’ve said or done in the past no longer counts. I am only my negative aspects, none of my positive qualities.

I love her so much. Since I’ve known her I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else. It’s a feeling I’ve never known. I want to be with her all the time. When she smiles I actually feel it in my heart. I adore our stupid and cute little conversations about trivial things. I can’t get enough of being close to her, touching her, cuddling and massaging her feet. Kissing? Forget about it! The best thing in my life. I haven’t wanted anything more in as long as I can remember and I certainly haven’t felt this way toward a woman probably ever. So you can understand why my heart is imploding when I tell you that I can do no right by her. That I just can’t manage to make nor keep her happy. That lately all she has had on her mind has been our separation. That despite my effort, despite my will to do literally anything, legal or not, she seems determined to end it rather than fix it or work on it.

I’ve implored her. This is all I can do. I don’t entirely understand her motivation to end it rather than fix it. I stand before her, attractive, presentable, intelligent, motivated, fit, sexually skilled, culinary trained, loving with a will to do anything and a few arguments and stress is enough to totally overlook it all. We are still in an adjustment period and I admit I may have been a little stunted at the beginning. I just like to believe that if she loves me she would be on my team, that she would work with me on a solution and support me as I’m trying to support her. Yeah, I might be failing miserably but I’m trying. I just want her to want me as much as I want her and maybe that isn’t going to be the case. She says she loves me, I believe her. I think if that’s the case then you try your hardest, you invest in the commitment. Things aren’t always great around her place but even a bipolar depressive like me finds ways to recover and find the good in us. Find the positive in our relationship. I wish I could find a way to entreat her to join me in this effort.

I’ve managed to get her to give me the holidays to show her a difference. By this I mean I won’t have the stress of work in my life and I should be able to alleviate some of the stress of hers. Though I keep thinking about the fact that love is a two way street. That I really need her to put in the effort as well. That I need her to be as devoted to maintaining our relationship as I am and I just don’t think she is. I want more than anything for this to work out but she has to want it too.