Alone.

So it ended yesterday. I won’t get into the why or how. I am only writing this for posterity. To lay out my feelings on the matter. It had come to a head last Friday and we had a blow up. After which we actually came to terms and things were nice. Our relationship was back to normal since then. I had missed it so much and I was very happy and looking forward to Christmas. I was very excited, giddy in fact. It was this state of capriciousness that lead ultimately to our downfall but I refuse to rake through the embers of that conflagration.

It ended yesterday and now I am left with nothing. No family. No Christmas. Nobody to share with. I will be alone throughout the holidays and in the back of my mind I will have vague plans of going places and doing things but I know that I won’t. I will sit here and play video games to distract myself and nobody will call me. Because nobody cares. You will think that I am being dramatic here but I assure you that this is the truth. I might get a text or two, but no offers of company, no genuine concern nor humanity. Just the bare minimum offerings of standard empty greetings that people hand out mindlessly. The freebies. They are hollow and meaningless.

It hurts. It hurts me worse than anything. To have been lifted so high only to be dropped. Discarded. Forgotten. Just two days ago I was going to have a warm, loving, caring Christmas with people who like me. Now I literally have less than nothing. I had a woman that loved me, with children who liked me. Now I have an empty room and medication. I don’t even have fellow gamers to socialize with. I haven’t even managed that.

I was looking forward to Christmas very much since the last two with my wife were actually rather disappointing. I didn’t really know her family and they were friendly enough but I didn’t know them well enough to get anyone anything. This time I had people to get gifts for. People I liked to get gifts for who reciprocated. My wife did very little for me, such as she was… I was excited to have items under a tree to open! How magical, I haven’t had that feeling since I was a child. Now in one fell swoop it has all been taken away from me. Is this what the good things in life are? Just taunting nightmares designed to make all the evil and darkness around me worse in contrast? I fucking hate my life. I don’t mean that in a passive way. I mean it in a very aggressive way. I loathe existence. Fuck this shitty life. Nothing good is worth the effort I put into it. I try so hard only to find myself worse off than where I was before. Life is a series of ever hotter frying pans. I’m completely sick of it.

I feel so burned out. I love this woman more than anything and I would want her back but also, she has put me here. She has made me feel this. I don’t know anymore. She built me up only rob me of all of the good that I felt. Not that she orchestrated it. Not that she planned it, but it isn’t like she wouldn’t do it again. It isn’t as though she was on my side even a little. I tried desperately to explore every alternative solution to this and they were all equally shot down. So here I am. A bipolar depressed with abandonment issues because of his mother, alone on Christmas eve because of his (ex?)girlfriend.

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