In retrospect I see how little by little the signs are there. The indication that things are slipping. That a relationship falls apart. Of course, I’m socially retarded so at the time it is rather difficult for me to see it as it occurs. Gradually I see myself doing everything I have done and perhaps a little more. Maybe I will try a little harder because I can see that she is not as happy as she once seemed. Or maybe she has openly expressed a dissatisfaction of some kind and because I’m a wooden boy I don’t take it for what it really means. I believe that I can fix it, make it better if I only try. The issue here is I now realize that there is no fixing these things from without, she has to want to fix them. Gradually she becomes more annoyed by my kisses and attempts to cuddle. I do more and more around the house in order to please her as she does less and less. I give and give, especially in bed while she can’t even look me in the eye when we kiss or make love. She begins to prefer doggy style so she doesn’t have to look at me. I become more irritable despite trying to be nicer because she treats me like shit or doesn’t interact with me at all. She triggers my dysphoria regularly and blames everything on me when we argue because I can barely control the things I say or do in my mixed states.
I can never recover from these things. No matter how much good I ever do I will never dig myself out of my hole. This all began because of hypomania. Jack Mcbastard and lust conspired to find me a sexual partner and I ended up in a relationship. Sure enough she made her way into my heart and now she is doing her very best to wreck the fucking thing. And of course she succeeds. They all do.
This is Jack’s most effective weapon against me, that prick.