I find myself compelled to write a follow-up post to yesterday’s. Not as an addendum to the two featured subjects: pregnancy delirium and my crazy life. Rather, I wanted to focus a little more on the woman in my life. I am hardwired to be skeptical about everything. My depression and dysphoria has given me a habitually bleak and wicked outlook on life. Toward the end of my last post I noted that because of my habitual negativity and my fear that people will discover that I am empty inside I subconsciously push them away. Despite needing them. This coupled with my hypomanic behaviour has made all of my past relationships very short. And may I just say: there have been a lot. Far too many. So after as many as I’ve seen be they much younger or older, tall or short, blonde or brunette, slender or athletic, voluptuous or petite… it gets a little difficult to be hopeful about one so very young and inexperienced, especially after the last two I’ve been through. The wife and the rotten, lying psycho mother. Both having been the worst betrayers I have dealt with. I love with my whole heart so when I get stepped on it hurts the most.
The woman in my life now doesn’t deserve to be treated to my cynical heart. She doesn’t deserve the twice bitten thrice shy. Rather umpteen thousand times bitten and a gofuckyourselfillionths times shy, but whatever… I do it to myself. I have to stop using my heart as an icebreaker. She doesn’t deserve this especially given that I am her first actual solid relationship. Yeah. No, seriously. A man who has slept with just shy of a hundred women with a girl two thirds his age in her first relationship… I couldn’t make this shit up. Actually, as a writer I wish I could, hey… This would be decent romance schlock given that 50 shades was actually popular… Anyways, I digress. If I’m going to do this, which apparently I am because I have been, I should do it right. Not half-hearted. She deserves the best from me and she is very sweet. I would be a total douchebag to just be a jaded old asshole and dismiss her and end up hurting her feeling and perpetuate the cycle. How do I know that this isn’t going to be the one? Why have I even been having any doubts? Why am I dragging my feet? I don’t even need to convince myself that she’s great, it’s completely evident. We love each other. We say so. So what is my issue?
Anyway, I just felt the need to get some of that off of my chest. She’s a treasure and if I had any sense I would hang on to her and treat her right.