Hello My Name is America

I had nowhere else to put this:

Hi, I’m the United States of American and I suck at almost everything I do with the exception perhaps of prisons and military spending. I misspell large quantities of basic english words. I am one of three nations (none of which are civilized) to use the imperial system for measurements of space and volume. I am one of three nations (none of them civilized) to use middle-endian date format placing the month before the day then following them both with the year in an order that is pretty much the opposite of logical. If I could be anthropomorphized by a single character it would be Sloth from The Goonies, because I’m big and tough but I can’t think at all.

My legal system spends billions fighting marijuana a drug that is not only harmless but also makes people generally more affable and pleasant. I have placed all of my future in oil and automotive yet these things are already endangered, but rather than admit this and shift my focus I am belligerently enforcing the use of oil and sale of internal combustion engines to the detrimental point of maintaining ongoing unsustainable wars. Wind, solar, geothermal and tidal power would do exceptionally well in my geography but I really don’t give a fuck. My goal is taking money from others. I just want other people’s money, I don’t care what the ACTUAL cost is. I just want the useless pieces of paper to throw around even though eventually with the way I am destroying the world you won’t be able to trade them for anything.

I’m addicted to firearms and I am slowly killing myself with them. My doctor is always prescribing me smaller and less unstable guns to help me stem my addiction but only the biggest, greasiest automatic, large ammo capacity, long range firearms will satisfy me. Every time a part of me dies from the firearms I complain that it was because I didn’t have enough firearms, paradoxically. I condescend to everyone and stand in the mirror telling myself that I am the best thing that has ever happened for about 23 hours of the day so that I believe it for the remaining 1. I am the biggest mistake that has been allowed to exist on this planet yet even though well over half the planet cannot abide me in the least I am convinced that I am the protagonist.

I am colourblind… in the sense that I can only see black and white and I only like white. Everything else is black and therefore bad. Even all women are black. Don’t ask me to explain why I think that, but I will be damned if women can have power over themselves in any way. Those whores can’t make decisions and that is final. Especially ones that regard their reproductive rights. If they just weren’t stupid dirty sluts then they wouldn’t have a problem. I value them based on their appearance alone and I want to fuck them. But if they want to fuck I want to execute them.
My president who is essentially my id should be a reflection of all of these things, though for the last 8 years he has not been and I have been suffering from cognitive dissonance. Soon I will be done bettering myself in any significant way though and will be right back on track to make mistakes and bad decisions with the liberty I was gifted by France. France, a nation that is better than me in pretty much every way, including militaristically, but I judge them based on one war that they hadn’t been prepared for due to massive industrialization. France is thin, sexy and attracts all the women I want to sleep with so of course I am jealous. I only just realized that I can’t buy history nor culture so I have decided upon a trend of ignoring these things completely just to spite those that have it. Mine is a culture of ignorance and inglorious unsophistication.

I hate the whole world for not being more like me.  When I die, most likely of a heart attack, I will blame everyone else.


I’m A Bad Man

I have a girlfriend.  She is young and naive, very sweet and innocent.  She is a good country girl a little bit dirty, she likes to see me naked.  I love her.  I’m not in love with her but I love her… I know that there is no future in our relationship and I have resigned myself to the reality of that.  She is really wonderful, any man would be very lucky indeed to have her.  Yet, here I am about to break her heart so badly that she may never properly recover.  She could very well carry this around for the rest of her life.  It hurts me to know that I am going to cause her this kind of pain.  It hurts me because I have known this pain.  I have wallowed in it more than a few times.  In fact, I still carry this around with me.  I carry them all around with me.

You see, you can’t love and not know the pain of loss especially when you live as I have lived.  To do the right thing by her I have to let her go… I have to let her find someone more suited to her.  In age, in culture and in interests.  There is a rift between us that I was sanguine to close.  Now I can see that this gap can never really be bridged and it pains me.  I have found recently within myself all kinds of emotions that I thought were long gone.  They came rushing back to me in a horrible deluge.  I felt genuinely empathetic and remorseful for the hurt that I was going to cause her sweet, young soul.  She is going to be furious.  I can see her completely uncomprehending in my mind, rolling around in her bed listless.  I can picture her formulating all the little questions in disbelief.  It severely crushes me.

I looked into her eyes this evening after we were done watching a movie knowing what I planned to do.  She looked back at me with nothing but pure love and hope.  I actually started to tear up.  I couldn’t face it.  Because in her mind she is thinking about how great this is.  How good we are.  How wonderful our cozy little bond is and I’m holding a gun to the back of the head of that union ready to pull the trigger.  Like having to put down a pet that has nothing but love and loyalty toward you.

It’s going to leave a mark.