I’m A Bad Man

I have a girlfriend.  She is young and naive, very sweet and innocent.  She is a good country girl a little bit dirty, she likes to see me naked.  I love her.  I’m not in love with her but I love her… I know that there is no future in our relationship and I have resigned myself to the reality of that.  She is really wonderful, any man would be very lucky indeed to have her.  Yet, here I am about to break her heart so badly that she may never properly recover.  She could very well carry this around for the rest of her life.  It hurts me to know that I am going to cause her this kind of pain.  It hurts me because I have known this pain.  I have wallowed in it more than a few times.  In fact, I still carry this around with me.  I carry them all around with me.

You see, you can’t love and not know the pain of loss especially when you live as I have lived.  To do the right thing by her I have to let her go… I have to let her find someone more suited to her.  In age, in culture and in interests.  There is a rift between us that I was sanguine to close.  Now I can see that this gap can never really be bridged and it pains me.  I have found recently within myself all kinds of emotions that I thought were long gone.  They came rushing back to me in a horrible deluge.  I felt genuinely empathetic and remorseful for the hurt that I was going to cause her sweet, young soul.  She is going to be furious.  I can see her completely uncomprehending in my mind, rolling around in her bed listless.  I can picture her formulating all the little questions in disbelief.  It severely crushes me.

I looked into her eyes this evening after we were done watching a movie knowing what I planned to do.  She looked back at me with nothing but pure love and hope.  I actually started to tear up.  I couldn’t face it.  Because in her mind she is thinking about how great this is.  How good we are.  How wonderful our cozy little bond is and I’m holding a gun to the back of the head of that union ready to pull the trigger.  Like having to put down a pet that has nothing but love and loyalty toward you.

It’s going to leave a mark.

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