Desettling.

It is difficult to report on my mind state lately.  There are so many things that could and should be changing yet for all that would be in motion I find myself static.  My intent is to use the rest of the weekend to my benefit and continue to work toward sorting my life out.  Building an office.  I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated from everyone and everything.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I could put myself out there but the fact is that I don’t want to.  There is a part of that does for reasons of sociability but then I need to focus and organize.  Also, there is the much larger part of me that thinks: if after all the times I have been there for people, after being loyal and thoughtful almost to a fault they have no intention of even checking in on me, just plain fuck them.

I like to think that I have much more value than this.  I suffered some of this last weekend.  After Kali managed to not bother contacting me for the entire day Saturday for what boils down to no reason, I was snubbed by friends.  It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I hadn’t been speaking to them earlier in the day.  Had they not mentioned their plans and been an odd number with room for more, all of them my friends and then just plain not invited me… It was really the most spectacularly shitty thing I’ve witnessed in my adult life.  Like, I am still in total awe as to how that happened.  So far as I know they aren’t mad at me.  Last I checked we were in good standing.  Yet, they still managed to not bother to fill out a foursome by inviting me.  Just terrible.

I love Kali so much but as each day goes by I feel like she is slipping away from me.  There has been no motivation for her to close the gap between us.  I used to mention us hanging out and that was something she would be excited about.  Now she changes subject and doesn’t even pretend to be interested.  I’m pretty sure this is over and I’m just waiting for her to admit it.  In fact overall her enthusiasm and attention for me is waning and it just seems like she doesn’t really care.  I’m going to have to face the facts and stop letting my sentimental heart hang these nooses up for me.  Pictures are a thing of the past… all around this just isn’t a relationship anymore and she isn’t invested in it.  If we aren’t actively engaging in a relationship and working toward something then this is pointless.  I’m too old to hang around waiting for a woman that doesn’t pay attention to me and has no intention to move forward in her life with me.  Maybe it is best just to let it go now before it gets any worse.  I used to be so hopeful, but now ironically like how it waned for my mother my excitement is gone and I’m actually becoming bitter every time she just ignores me for hours and sometimes half a day at a time.

It makes me sad that I didn’t even really have a legitimate chance.  I didn’t get to take her out and do nice things for her.  We didn’t really get to do anything romantic and here it is with the spark all gone.  I didn’t even mean to write about her all that much, she just happens to be on my mind all the damn time.  Which is why if this is going nowhere, as it obviously isn’t, I need to move on in order to regain focus on my life.  I can’t be all tied up in worrying about the fact that she just gives no fucks about me.

On the weekends I think I’m going to start turning my phone off.

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War Room.

Last night my goal was simple: Drink spiced rum and Dr. Pepper alone until I passed out.  Well I passed out, at around nine in the evening without a drop of rum.  The drink I described above is called Dr. Octopus and it is delicious by the way.  If you finish the whole bottle of Kraken (preferred spice rum) you get to call yourself Spider-Man.  I am having my morning coffee now and my goal is far greater than that of the previous evening:  I am building a War room.

At present I share a house with a pair of colleagues who are amenable unlike the rest.  Unfortunately however the lease holder has a wife who intends to resume residing with her husband as of March.  Therefore I am to return to single accommodations.  Which gives me an excellent opportunity to restyle my living quarters.  Seeing as the focus of my life is changing the needs of my domicile are also dramatically changed.  I am going to the office supply place today and spending a reasonable amount on preparing for the next stage of my life.  Hanging file folders, a hanging file box to hang them in, whiteboard accouterments, label printer, string, tape, bulletin board, etc.  I will prepare my room for this purpose first and then move all of my living furnishings in around this.

I will be focused, sharpened, driven.  The trick is maintaining it and staying on top of any given task.  My declaration was to focus on myself and so this is my goal.  With regards to the lady in my life if she should so desire to come along there is plenty of space in my life for her and I will be glad to welcome her.  At present however, I cannot be proactive about our relationship as everything that needs to be done is on her end.  My hands are tied.  I cannot push any harder without making myself a nuisance.  I have no desire to do this.  She understands very clearly how I feel about her and that my whole person is devoted to her should she ever want or need me, however I can do nothing at this time for her as much as I should like to (I have offered).  So I am working on me.  For the better me is substantially more beneficial for the future her in the long run.

I have many goal oriented organizational tasks in my life that need sorting so having this space to manage these things will be crucial.  I will be able to break things down in advance of upcoming dates and strategize proactively in order to not only meet but destroy these goals.  I am actually usually very good at this naturally.  I have eternal faith in my capability to this regard and call myself the “last-minute man” as I usually do these things on the fly and with unfaltering precision without a moment to spare.  So, giving myself a leg up, more space and time in order to compose my machinations will put me well ahead of the curve, which is typically where I am anyway but why not all the further?

Every great person has a sanctuary, a lair in which they conceive and from which they launch their plans.  I will have mine.  Every great man has behind him the support of a great woman.  I know who mine is, I am merely keeping busy until she can fill that position.

Edit: I wrote this and liked it, felt it was applicable in some way.

My mane is so thick because I don’t have time for crumbs like you. I keep it thick so that when I’m taking big face-full bites out of your whole world, crumbs like you just bounce right off. Everyone thinks they want a mane like this but they can’t maintain it.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown, this is so that when the crown is not worn and another strikes at it, their wrist is broken and the head remains high and unmoved.
If you are a hyena, go be a hyena. go share nervous laughter with the dozens of others that you need to build yourself up. I will be napping in the shade, alone. You will know where to find me when you need to prove something to your equally nervous friends.

Parenting.

This is another in my series of “I had nowhere else to put this”.

Cookies for dinner. AGAIN! I fucking love being an adult. To think that there was a time that I couldn’t eat what I wanted…. Like, my parents told me I couldn’t have cookies and candy for dinner. Man, it’s probably a good thing that I’m not a father because I would let my kids eat whatever they wanted for every meal. Then I would end up at the hospital with some judgy doctor asking me questions while some fucking Helicopter parents who are there because they want to discuss the “merits of not getting their child vaccinated” with their physician stare at me like I’m some abomination.

So when the doctor is asking me why I let my kids eat whatever they want I point to Mr. and Mrs. Helicopter and I say: “Hey, you see those two nervous wreck assholes over there that are so anxious about fucking up their kid that they are making the next Jeffrey fucking Dahmer? I don’t want my kids to be like that pencil-necked little puke. That kid is so pathetic that germs are going to bully him. My kids are going to be his boss. That kid is going to be so straight and narrow with his nose to the computer screen, he will work 12 hours a day out of a fear of not paying his bill two weeks in advance. My son is going to stand around the water cooler telling the middle management how he’s nailing some poor bastards wife on afternoons and weekends while her husband isn’t home and when that kid over there looks around to hear more of the story my son is telling, my son is going to scream at him to get back to work. Which that kid over there is going to do. Then, when he does my son is going to tell those other management pricks ‘That’s the guy’ and laugh hysterically as he outlines how he intends to increase his hours and give him the minimum raise this year. Then he’ll mention how he steals his sandwich out of the break room fridge everyday but doesn’t even eat it, just throws it in the garbage.”

The doctor will look confused and the Helicopter family will look appalled. “Oh, I forgot to explain why. Well you see, my kids will get sick and get their stomachs pumped and that will be the worst thing that has ever happened to them.  Then I’ll explain to them it was because they made bad choices. They ate candy and cookies instead of healthy balanced meals. Then I’ll explain that there are always consequences to bad choices. Also, when you make bad choices you have to live with the consequences, take your lumps but then rise up from them, not dwell on them and move forward. Move past it and learn from it. Without hesitation and without fear.”

“So old Pencil-neck No-needles O’Helicopter over there will get polio and his legs will shrivel up as he sits in front of a computer and my kids will stomp on everything in front of them like dinosaurs.  They will have no fear, they will take risks and yes they will make mistakes, but they will come through smelling like a rose with confidence.”

Then the doctor will probably either call or consider calling child services and the Helicopters will ask about boosters for Pencil-neck.

Sidetracked

I somehow managed to get lost along the way.  I did what I all too frequently do and I lost focus on the primary goal.  My objective is to manage my disorder and the emotional imbalances that come with it.  The problem with that being that I am and do have a wealth of emotion.  I am passionate.  I extend my care and concern to others.  I am affectionate.  In fact, it is this feature that assures my therapist and myself that I am not a psycho/sociopath.  Though, a caveat to this is that sociopaths can be made…  Especially if their emotions are dissociated, abused and in all other ways scrambled.  I’m not far away from antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and share many of the traits as seen in this previous post (the post in that hyperlink also has another hyperlink to a related post, which is on the same subject and one of my favourite so we can see there is a theme here).

I put myself out there and I like to believe that it is give and take.  That the love and care that I give will be returned to me.  That my nearly boundless consideration will be appreciated and because it is that it will come back to me.  This is rarely if ever the case.  In fact it is becoming downright aggressively hostile how I am absorbed from like a fountain and not even so much as pissed back into.  And there it is.  The crux of the entirety of bipolar hypo-manic dysphoric  phase shift.  You care SO much that when you realize that the same care and love that you send out will never be returned, you snap.

It isn’t unreasonable.  It really isn’t.  Being thoughtful is the basic minimum standard in any relationship.  My wife couldn’t do it.  All you have to do is pick up a phone, send a text.  Even if it is meaningless, let me know that I am being thought of and that I am still in the loop.  Let me know that you are going out…  So I can make plans too, or I don’t wonder what the fuck happened to you.  My ex Zoe was extremely selfish in this regard.  She had the nerve to ever complain about anything I did or did not ever do for her… What did you ever do for me?  I even did all the work in bed…  Idiot.  Anything I did for you should have been taken as a bonus and you should have thanked me profusely for it.

So once again I find myself investing more thought in another person that I am in myself.  I want it to be a loop.  I want it to go out and then have it come back to me.  I want to say sweet things to her in the middle of the day and know that it will come back to me at random.  Which it never will.  There’s a thing about stuff of this nature, if you have to be told to do it then it is meaningless.  You are only fulfilling a preordained task or obligation in order to satisfy a request.  You are only going through the motions.  A programmed meat robot acting out the events without a will of your own.  You need the desire and inception for it to matter.

It was these things that drew her to me in the first place.  What she doesn’t seem to understand is that there are two sides to it.  That you earn it.  That you are there for it, you receive it and make time for him.  That you return these thoughts, surprises and gestures.  That you think of him when he is not around and let him know.  That you, yourself are considerate in little ways.  That you keep him filled in and let him know with texts that you are thinking about him always.

I have been confused as to why she even wants me in her life lately.  I mentioned it to her and she seemed really upset but that actually confused me because after that I didn’t hear from her again until the next day.  even then we spoke some throughout the day, she was elusive as per usual these days and then from diner nothing.  I doubt I’ll hear from her until close to noon tomorrow.  I don’t know what has happened to her but I want the Kali that I fell in love with back.  The one that never stopped texting me.  That sent me a picture every half hour at the latest.  That was always trying to think of ways to see me.

I didn’t really come to this post to complain about her.  She is a wonderful woman and I really do love her.  I came here to declare that I need to work harder on myself and focus less on my relationships.  Focus less on external distractions.  When those things sort themselves out they can be a part of my life again.  In the meantime I have some housecleaning and creativity to get underway.  I’m only afraid that by the time that others are ready to be all in I might be too busy to be able to focus on that.  Or just too far out.  I guess this is how life goes.  It’s all one big sordid Greek tragedy.

 

Edit: I have a serious problem with the lack of communication.  It has been a theme in my past relationships and has always turned out to be a sign of a deeper issue.  We live in a communication rich era.  It is too easy to communicate in a myriad of ways: Text, being the easiest and quickest, but also, call or email are quick and simple.  You can facebook or facebook message too easy as well.  So when there is radio silence from someone I get really, really suspicious immediately.  Like, it drives me fucking mental.  It has always served me well, this instinct.  My wife decided to fuck off to her girlfriends for a weekend of binge-drinking without telling me and sure enough she was leaving me.  This is only one example of many.  Could I be over-reacting?  Sure, but I doubt it.  It really takes little to no effort to show someone that you care by picking up your phone and texting literally something so simple as: “Hey :)”

 

Lovesick.

I am sick from never being able to see the woman I love.  As it is I rarely interact with her and less still do I get to hear her voice.  Simply hearing her voice would be utter bliss.  I have been a wreck because of it.  She is all that is ever on my mind.  I think to the future when this will all be over and my biggest issue will be balancing our lives together.  To have such a sweet luxurious problem… Who could ask for more?  I could be destitute and if I were burdened with such a life as this I would be happy.

This is how I am convinced that she is my soulmate.  The certainty in my mind that even if I were broken in all other ways that so long as she were there I would be fine.  I am no stranger to adversity, so this conviction I hold seems well founded.  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, yet they neglect to inform you of the pain.  The throbbing yearning that burns into the core of you until it eclipses all other sensation.  I’m sure that I have felt something akin to this before at some point in my life, but never with anything near this intensity.  Never have I known a love so pure, so real.

My empty hours have been full of thoughts of her and subsequently the pain of her absence.  Worse still, the solitude of having to bear it alone.  As our relationship is as of yet a secret I have nobody in whom I can confide.  Nor do I really have her as she has been otherwise preoccupied.  More to that point I find this a little bit unusual for her.  Where once I was showered in pictures and messages I now get a message once every four or five hours.  Maybe a few in a burst, but then that will be it.  It’s odd.  It has changed and it worries me a little.  She is still loving so it doesn’t worry me entirely, though it is noticeably different so I am concerned.  If it continues to change or even stay on like this I will be upset.

Something does indeed have to change though… It has been too long.  I haven’t seen her in what?   Three weeks, maybe a month?  I fear a little, out of sight, out of mind is taking place… I want to believe that I matter to her as much as she matters to me and if I do then nothing is to be concerned about, clearly.  Though, anything this important you have to fret over.  How can you not?  It matters too much.  I would like to think that I would know without question if I matter to her.  I like to think that I do, though our communication habits lately throw doubts at this that I didn’t think I would ever see… I think I’m just being sensitive.  I’m not usually like this.  What is wrong with me?

This has to be love.  I’ve gone insane.

Why?

Here’s a strange question: Why?
It’s considered socially responsible and well-adjusted of us to desire order and peace. But, why? There isn’t a thing that man has done that isn’t the result of conflict. We outright declare that much of our progress is made through an arms race. We are taught that a story cannot exist without conflict. Conflict defines us whether we agree with this concept or not. “The Greatest Generation” is so called due to their triumph over not only the great depression, but the great war(s most specifically the second). So why? Why then are we so opposed to that which molds us, advances us and defines us?
Have we stopped to consider a world absolutely free of conflict? This is no utopia that you propose. This is the societal equivalent of a lifelong waiting room. More and more people, making more and more art, needing more and more food, taking more and more land. Until the art is bland and pointless and evokes no response. Images scraped over by dry blank eyes. Ears incapable of telling the difference from one song to the next. Until the land is too full of people to grow crops or livestock. Yet, we will be ingenuous and usurp all of this. We will find a way to grow food hydroponically, indoors. In labs. We are mostly already here. We will eventually develop a soma that will allow us to cope. Big pharma is halfway there. We will write stories. Imaginative tales of conflict that will frighten us back into shape. None of us ever having to struggle our entire lives, grateful that will will never have to.

We will know no satisfaction in a conflict-free world.  There will be no triumph, no sense of accomplishment.  We will be spoonfed meager goals which we will efficiently and effortlessly complete so that we may report for another.  Never once will we take away any glory from this.  To throw our efforts into a giant mill and watch it ground together with the labours of an infinitesimal number of others.  Indistinguishable.  Insignificant.  Undefined.  When we die there will nary be a comment about our exemplary performance.  The fine example we had set for all others to aspire to.  We will truly all be even.  Equally disregarded as merely another life in a sea of mediocrity.

Not only should we not fear nor shy away from conflict, we should embrace it.  For above all other things it is this which raises us above our peers.  Makes evident our outstanding nature and challenges others to surpass it.  The meals that we earn taste all the more sweet because we know that we are solely responsible for having them to enjoy.  So too is the victory earned through conflict.  We cannot sit idly by resting in the sheltered glory provided us by our forefathers.  We must go and take our own.  Carve our own path.

Be diplomatic.  Why?  There is no need for diplomacy if there is nobody left to argue with.  They say: violence doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.  Why?  Is this intended to dissuade me?  The result is the same; minus one challenger, plus one delicious victory.  Yet, it doesn’t end here because a victory for you is tenfold in the eyes of potential challengers.  One conflict quells a potential dozen.

So, here is a strange question: why?  Why would you crave an empty world lacking in ways to challenge and define yourself?