I somehow managed to get lost along the way.  I did what I all too frequently do and I lost focus on the primary goal.  My objective is to manage my disorder and the emotional imbalances that come with it.  The problem with that being that I am and do have a wealth of emotion.  I am passionate.  I extend my care and concern to others.  I am affectionate.  In fact, it is this feature that assures my therapist and myself that I am not a psycho/sociopath.  Though, a caveat to this is that sociopaths can be made…  Especially if their emotions are dissociated, abused and in all other ways scrambled.  I’m not far away from antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and share many of the traits as seen in this previous post (the post in that hyperlink also has another hyperlink to a related post, which is on the same subject and one of my favourite so we can see there is a theme here).

I put myself out there and I like to believe that it is give and take.  That the love and care that I give will be returned to me.  That my nearly boundless consideration will be appreciated and because it is that it will come back to me.  This is rarely if ever the case.  In fact it is becoming downright aggressively hostile how I am absorbed from like a fountain and not even so much as pissed back into.  And there it is.  The crux of the entirety of bipolar hypo-manic dysphoric  phase shift.  You care SO much that when you realize that the same care and love that you send out will never be returned, you snap.

It isn’t unreasonable.  It really isn’t.  Being thoughtful is the basic minimum standard in any relationship.  My wife couldn’t do it.  All you have to do is pick up a phone, send a text.  Even if it is meaningless, let me know that I am being thought of and that I am still in the loop.  Let me know that you are going out…  So I can make plans too, or I don’t wonder what the fuck happened to you.  My ex Zoe was extremely selfish in this regard.  She had the nerve to ever complain about anything I did or did not ever do for her… What did you ever do for me?  I even did all the work in bed…  Idiot.  Anything I did for you should have been taken as a bonus and you should have thanked me profusely for it.

So once again I find myself investing more thought in another person that I am in myself.  I want it to be a loop.  I want it to go out and then have it come back to me.  I want to say sweet things to her in the middle of the day and know that it will come back to me at random.  Which it never will.  There’s a thing about stuff of this nature, if you have to be told to do it then it is meaningless.  You are only fulfilling a preordained task or obligation in order to satisfy a request.  You are only going through the motions.  A programmed meat robot acting out the events without a will of your own.  You need the desire and inception for it to matter.

It was these things that drew her to me in the first place.  What she doesn’t seem to understand is that there are two sides to it.  That you earn it.  That you are there for it, you receive it and make time for him.  That you return these thoughts, surprises and gestures.  That you think of him when he is not around and let him know.  That you, yourself are considerate in little ways.  That you keep him filled in and let him know with texts that you are thinking about him always.

I have been confused as to why she even wants me in her life lately.  I mentioned it to her and she seemed really upset but that actually confused me because after that I didn’t hear from her again until the next day.  even then we spoke some throughout the day, she was elusive as per usual these days and then from diner nothing.  I doubt I’ll hear from her until close to noon tomorrow.  I don’t know what has happened to her but I want the Kali that I fell in love with back.  The one that never stopped texting me.  That sent me a picture every half hour at the latest.  That was always trying to think of ways to see me.

I didn’t really come to this post to complain about her.  She is a wonderful woman and I really do love her.  I came here to declare that I need to work harder on myself and focus less on my relationships.  Focus less on external distractions.  When those things sort themselves out they can be a part of my life again.  In the meantime I have some housecleaning and creativity to get underway.  I’m only afraid that by the time that others are ready to be all in I might be too busy to be able to focus on that.  Or just too far out.  I guess this is how life goes.  It’s all one big sordid Greek tragedy.


Edit: I have a serious problem with the lack of communication.  It has been a theme in my past relationships and has always turned out to be a sign of a deeper issue.  We live in a communication rich era.  It is too easy to communicate in a myriad of ways: Text, being the easiest and quickest, but also, call or email are quick and simple.  You can facebook or facebook message too easy as well.  So when there is radio silence from someone I get really, really suspicious immediately.  Like, it drives me fucking mental.  It has always served me well, this instinct.  My wife decided to fuck off to her girlfriends for a weekend of binge-drinking without telling me and sure enough she was leaving me.  This is only one example of many.  Could I be over-reacting?  Sure, but I doubt it.  It really takes little to no effort to show someone that you care by picking up your phone and texting literally something so simple as: “Hey :)”



One response to “Sidetracked

  1. As someone who also has a tendency to focus on others when it comes to relationships, I know exactly where you’re coming from, but also playing devil’s advocate; we never truly know what is happening in someone else’s head. Hopefully pulling back and stabilizing yourself will help the situation, or even provide a new perspective. All the love. x

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