Desettling.

It is difficult to report on my mind state lately.  There are so many things that could and should be changing yet for all that would be in motion I find myself static.  My intent is to use the rest of the weekend to my benefit and continue to work toward sorting my life out.  Building an office.  I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated from everyone and everything.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I could put myself out there but the fact is that I don’t want to.  There is a part of that does for reasons of sociability but then I need to focus and organize.  Also, there is the much larger part of me that thinks: if after all the times I have been there for people, after being loyal and thoughtful almost to a fault they have no intention of even checking in on me, just plain fuck them.

I like to think that I have much more value than this.  I suffered some of this last weekend.  After Kali managed to not bother contacting me for the entire day Saturday for what boils down to no reason, I was snubbed by friends.  It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I hadn’t been speaking to them earlier in the day.  Had they not mentioned their plans and been an odd number with room for more, all of them my friends and then just plain not invited me… It was really the most spectacularly shitty thing I’ve witnessed in my adult life.  Like, I am still in total awe as to how that happened.  So far as I know they aren’t mad at me.  Last I checked we were in good standing.  Yet, they still managed to not bother to fill out a foursome by inviting me.  Just terrible.

I love Kali so much but as each day goes by I feel like she is slipping away from me.  There has been no motivation for her to close the gap between us.  I used to mention us hanging out and that was something she would be excited about.  Now she changes subject and doesn’t even pretend to be interested.  I’m pretty sure this is over and I’m just waiting for her to admit it.  In fact overall her enthusiasm and attention for me is waning and it just seems like she doesn’t really care.  I’m going to have to face the facts and stop letting my sentimental heart hang these nooses up for me.  Pictures are a thing of the past… all around this just isn’t a relationship anymore and she isn’t invested in it.  If we aren’t actively engaging in a relationship and working toward something then this is pointless.  I’m too old to hang around waiting for a woman that doesn’t pay attention to me and has no intention to move forward in her life with me.  Maybe it is best just to let it go now before it gets any worse.  I used to be so hopeful, but now ironically like how it waned for my mother my excitement is gone and I’m actually becoming bitter every time she just ignores me for hours and sometimes half a day at a time.

It makes me sad that I didn’t even really have a legitimate chance.  I didn’t get to take her out and do nice things for her.  We didn’t really get to do anything romantic and here it is with the spark all gone.  I didn’t even mean to write about her all that much, she just happens to be on my mind all the damn time.  Which is why if this is going nowhere, as it obviously isn’t, I need to move on in order to regain focus on my life.  I can’t be all tied up in worrying about the fact that she just gives no fucks about me.

On the weekends I think I’m going to start turning my phone off.

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