The title will support the theme of this article and were I half the writer I believe myself to be I would actually make of it as such. Though I am a finely crafted mimic, a recurrent undertone in the homily that is my life’s tale, I am only that and nothing more. However… As a pastiche one can be renewed as unique, sublime, original and divine, for this is upon which I have been mired for so long. It is possible to pay homage to multiple things and thus be set apart as something wholly individual. To be defined, whilst still tipping ones hat at those from which it draws its characteristics.
Contrary to what I had originally believed to be true, I am really rather well defined in three parts:
There is Jack McBastard, the interloper. The unwelcome rogue. An agent of chaos, he brings to the table a litany of useful tricks and characteristics. Even though the result may invariably be ruin and carnage he is an agent nonetheless. An agent provocateur. The mad keeper of the gates to Mania.
Dysphorian Alpha, the future self that I strive for always. A partially built, megalithic construct assembled from the parts of great men that I admire. He is found in my visage as it is the simplest part of myself to shape. The finest shave, a collection of eau de toilette, finery and positive charms. Socially acceptable at my best behaviours and always upbeat. I find him in my genuine confidence, my lack of fear or need for competition as these things suggest loss of control or rivalry. Alpha is peerless, yet humble, his confidence dictates that he has no need of displays. He is rarer than the other two as he is the final stage of my metamorphosis.
Then there is Dysphorian the curator. My present and evolving regular self. The glue and stitches holding together the poorly grafted frankenpersonality. The man who plays between these two diametric titans and is torn asunder from the fray. When they clash, he is crushed between them. When they dash in opposite directions, he is drawn and quartered. This is the character that everyone sees.
As I have stated in the past, there used to be confusion with regards to bipolars and whether or not they were multiple personality. It is easy to understand, we aren’t multiple personalities, we are several personalities attempting to be one. He is the curator, the keeper of the characteristics and traits. Perpetually under the weight of the opposite poles and far behind schedule. Always playing catch-up.
With regards to Kali… I have been the ass. I have been playing catch-up between these two and finding myself much needier than I should. I have been impatient and moody and there has been no need of it. Things aren’t going to be like a newlywed’s honeymoon everyday. That is the matter of going through life without being in control of our own circumstances as of yet… That can be expected. I am merely going to do my best to keep the romance alive and not worry so much if she isn’t always available at every moment. I knew, and know, that this is an unrealistic expectation. I should know better than to push so hard when there is nowhere to push to, that is exactly how pressure is made and nobody likes pressure.
I love her. I can never lose her.