Pattern of Abandonment

Aforementioned in this blog are the desertion of my mother and wife.  It is something that I have come to accept.  No amount of giving nor love can change a woman’s mind once it has been made.  Especially on the matter of love.  Kali gradually began resisting reasons to interact with me.  Not bothering to text most days, refusing outright to try to call or visit.  When I observed this she accused me of playing games or making her jump through hoops.  No, it’s expected in a loving relationship that you’ll simply do these things because you care, because it matters to you.  Because the person you claim to love matters to you.

I consistently make the mistake of jumping in with both feet and loving with my whole heart.  Kali was no different from my wife.  She loved me while it was convenient and provided her with something, the second that it was challenging she bailed.  That’s not love.  That’s not how it works.  Love isn’t self serving.  Love is altruistic.  Yes, love is also work and as I’ve said in the past both parties need to participate.  The moment one does not it’s over. 

So Kali has, like all of the other terrible women in my life, failed me.  In so failing she has failed herself dramatically and like all those who have no love in them and no accountability it is of course all my fault.

I’ve admitted to my flaws.  I’m bipolar type two with dysphoria and serious abandonment issues. Not to mention SAD.  If you are a vigilant reader you’ll notice that most of my women troubles occur in winter.  I admit that I’m at my worst in winter.  This is no reason to be a failure.  No reason to put all of the blame squarely on me.  I accept my mistakes, I’m big enough to admit to them and I make my amends.  This cannot be said of the women of my past.  They refuse to accept their mistakes.  They place blame and spew vitriol.  They use names.  I rarely if ever throw names around and usually only when they are proven to apply.  I used few names against my wife, who earned them.  I used none against Kali, though I did describe, accurately, her unfavorable behaviors.  Which all of course still apply.  I fought for our relationship.  She did nothing.  Then blamed me.  It’s pathetic, it’s lazy and cowardly. 

As with Zoe I’m not upset about losing her so much as the idea of her.  She actively proved herself to be none of the desirable qualities she portrayed.  She is living deceit.  I was fooled into believing that she was a decent, caring and loving person.  Mostly, I think she was a spoiled housewife who got bored of the same man and decided to cheat on him.  Which I am not moralizing against.  If she was genuinely mistreated and wanted a way out she would have found it rather than a distraction in me and excuses.  She isn’t committed to leaving him.  She’s oddly enough more committed to him than she realizes.  Maybe for all the wrong reasons, but devoted nonetheless.  She even prefers to defend him in conversation over a man who offered her a way out and hope. 

I had genuinely hoped that in finding someone with the same disorder there would be understanding.  She accused me of not understanding when she decided to not care about me nor regard me at all.  Claiming that it was depression.  No sweetie, when you are depressed the loved ones who offer you the slightest sliver of light are bigger than the sun.  You just didn’t love me.  Maybe you even felt guilty about it.  I understand.  Boy do I.

So go.  Fade into the obscurity of malicious self interest, spite and pity that is the women of my past.  My pattern of being abandoned won’t end with you.  It will end with the woman who is good, proud, honest, strong and deserving enough to stay.  That clearly isn’t you.

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