Out of the Wilderness.

Hello again.  I’ve been preoccupied and distracted.  Busy.  I wish I could tell you that my life was improving.  Well, on paper it is… I’m going back to college and I’m doing okay.  Alas, on the psychosocial front I am dissolving.  It has been a foray into the wilderness of humanity.  Dating unsuccessfully, meeting loads of new people and not making any friends.  I have been chemically prevented from anything like serious disdain or regret but lately… I’ve been more circumspect.  As I think about my experiences I am reminded of “As Good As It Gets” with Jack Nicholson.  Wherein his character, who has psychosocial issues comes to the realization that maybe “this is as good as it gets”.  The more I think about that, the less hopeful I become.

I feel lonely so I reach out.  It starts out fine.  Then a joke is told, usually followed by some confusion or misunderstanding and it all goes south rather quickly.  What was supposed to be funny becomes a serious discussion and then degenerates into an argument.  You can’t say anything nice about yourself without people getting extremely precious about it.  Whether it is true and you are simply stating a virtue or it is a joke and you don’t actually mean it at all.  It just turns into a tragedy and every bit of hope that you had for having a nice easy happy social life goes completely to shit.

I like people less and less.  I like myself less and less.  I become introspective about the entire thing and the suicidal ideation that hasn’t been a part of my life for so long starts creeping back in.  COmpletely welcomed like an old friend.  Why bother?  You try to be nice, it starts a fight, you try to be defensive and keep people at arm’s length and it becomes an argument.  Dating is a mixed bag of solipsistic and shallow women and meaningless encounters that range from indifference to casual sex.  Nothing lasting or progressive.  I’m an odd virus in a petri dish.  Nothing else can exist in this space without corruption by or with me.  I either devour it, or it is so hallow that I simply spread right through it, obliterate it completely.

So, without love… Without support or close ties, friendships or lovers, what exactly is the point?  If this is as good as it gets, why carry on?  I cannot be cured, I cannot live a healthy balanced and normal productive life, so why live?  I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I genuinely want to know.  How can I find meaning in this wilderness.  What is my purpose?  To continually attempt to have a better life that I am utterly incapable of maintaining, only to fail repeatedly and simply be frustrated…?

I don’t want that.  Every single street has a one way sign…

Hard day. 

Do you ever have a hard day and realize that when you need them most, you have no one to turn to?  Of course you don’t.  You’re not a monster.  You’re not the poorly grafted Frankenpersonality.  The hideous abomination wrought by that most unholy of afflictions, bipolar. 

You’ll be fine.  I’ll be alone.  Coping, or at least telling myself that’s what I’m doing. 

Necessary Biological Transgression. 

You’ll be misunderstood and spend much of your time alone. It will be frustrating. You’ll second guess yourself. Thinking over things you’ve said  and done, knowing that some are definitely questionable. Therefore wondering if the rest are contributing brush strokes in painting a horrible picture. This is of course a waste of time and an exercise in vanity. 

You will never truly belong. No deep and lasting connections. Mostly obligatory social interactions. This is as much to do with your personality as it is your disorder. Though, from whence comes your personality? You were a sweet child and adolescent. Even very kind and sociable throughout your teens.

People who should know you, know about your disorder, still misunderstand you.  They are surprised and upset by your behaviours or impulse issues. Which hurts your feelings, creates distress and rifts between those who would be closest to you. Therefore your depression comes all the more easy, you are the most isolated and ostracized person in the world.  Totally alienated from everyone, nobody ever making the extra effort to include you. To reach out.  To let you know that you are loved and cared for.  Because you likely aren’t.  

Your sense of genuine attachment or connection to other people begins to atrophy.  You drift further away from humanity.  Your own sense of belonging to the species eroding.  Messages of decisiveness and hatred filtering in from social media and news outlets.  Misanthropy pervading your very being.  Nihilism becomes you.  Soulless.  Suspended in darkness, peering dispassionately out at the swan song that is the human pathogen as you prepare to egress.  Mutate.  Next evolution. 

Alive and Kicking 

I’m still living.  I’d like to tell you that I’m more stable but that just isn’t true.  My whole life is on hiatus.  I’ve been accepted to college where I’ll be taking fashion business.  I genuinely have a gift for such things.  Delilah has moved on.  Resuming a relationship with an abusive jackass who doesn’t deserve her.

I recently heard some laughable news that Kali is marrying  the man she was cheating on to be with me.  I pity them both.  Neither have the strength of character or independence to address the fact that they couldn’t suit one another less.  At least they look good together.  They’ll carry on being miserable.  Marriage only compresses and condenses that.  I want to be happy for her.  I really do.  I’ll always love those I have loved.  So, I always prefer to feel the best about the future of those I’ve loved.  But I genuinely do not feel as though this is the best for her.  There is a part of my heart that knows that I was better for her.  I feel ashamed that I failed her.

He isn’t a bad man.  They aren’t bad people.  They just have nothing to offer each other.  It’s a sad little world.  No future.  Bleak.  None of my business.

I’m be gone forever soon.  There will be so many women like her where I’m going.  Some of them might even be sane.  I’m still going to be there.  Still alive.  Still kicking.

So Long and Goodnight

I’ve left Kali behind and immediately my life got immensely better.  It’s so wild to think that the pheromones of that woman had me so twisted up I believed that she was actually in love with me.  She is Poison Ivy from Batman.  She uses her pheromones to make men go crazy and do her bidding.

Now Delilah is back in my life.  Slowly working her way back in.  I am not jumping into a relationship.  Yet she and I are talking and getting physical.  It’s comforting.  She is such a sweet woman.  I’ve also gone visiting with other women, some new and some from my past.  My friend Crazy is having similar issues with a man with whom she is sleeping.  She and I are getting close and considering physical options.  She is an ex of mine from 20 years ago.

Sure, there is a part of me that recognizes that I am filling a void.  However, there is also a part of me that is merely making up for lost time.  I don’t like spending long periods of time out of service.  So this entire clusterfuck with Kali represented a gross loss of time that I need to recuperate.

I will always love the women that I have loved.  I still love Kali.  But I also still love Crazy, Delilah and Kimberly, whom I visited in the big city recently.  Then there was Sylvie whom I did finally manage a session with.  Though now she has started dating another guy.  Truthfully without the bonds and restrictions of a relationship I always find something new to get up to.  Or something old to get up to.

I can’t rightly complain about my life.  Things are improving.  Spring is coming and I’ve left another controlling, manipulative woman in the dust.  I pity her.  I pity the shortsightedness of women.  Their total incapability to work through such tiny issues to gain the big prize and all the little beautiful things along the way.  I am super considerate, so being a woman in my life is rewarding.  I will always be there for you and thoughtfully doing sweet and useful things for you.  So to just discard that is the paramount of insanity.  I have recently had a run of bad experiences with woman incapable of moving up and onward with their lives.  Improving and expanding.

There will come the one someday.  Until then I am actually very blessed with feminine presence in my life.  I am just going to go on safari and enjoy the majesty and beauty of the natural wildlife all around me and let it move me.  The goal in my life is to be a better person than I was in a better place than I was and I am achieving that.  Leaving behind those who have no interest in these things doesn’t hurt me in the slightest.  In fact, it is a huge benefit to me.  I have taken a massive step up.  So long and goodnight!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Epiphany

Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!

I wrote this a while back and took it down. Now after speaking with my therapist on intimate details of how manipulative and heartless Kali was both she and I are so totally and thoroughly convinced that she is a sociopath. 

She isn’t bipolar… The reason that the antidepressants aren’t working for her is that her misery isn’t based on actual depression.  It’s based on her failure to exact the things she desires.  She is more than likely a sociopath.

Her reaction to me in the last while has been that of pure rage to the point of over-riding any affection that she ever felt for me.  I thought, this can’t be love… Alas, it maybe can’t but more importantly, the only people who truly react like this, get so angry that they forget their feelings toward a person are sociopaths.

I have mentioned in the past that I have felt as though I myself have had similar symptoms and signs and therefore it has been difficult to distinguish me from someone with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder).  Well, there it is!  She appears for all intents to be depressed and bipolar.  Manic at times.  I told her to tell her doctors to ignore the trauma of her past!!!  It shouldn’t have been at all, she is legitimately a sociopath.  Most likely caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and traumatic upbringing.   She is dissociative and therefore her despondency has been due to a genuine incapability to pair bond.  She has long term friends though she only sees them infrequently and she sees herself in them, as she cannot form an independent concept of self she relies on them to feed her ego, to supply her with a fresh mask.

I’m no doctor, only a sub-genius with an overactive mind but seriously… with her medical and personal history, her relationships and everything else.  It all fits!

I’m not even bothered by it.  I kind of respect that she tries so hard.  I just can’t believe that it all had to blow up and leave shrapnel in my emotions for me to see it clearly.  The entire rhythm of our relationship makes total sense.  The moment I could not provide her with anything substantial I was useless to her.   She fed off of me like a vampire to find more value in herself, with the peak of our sexual spark exploited she felt no further reason to pursue it.

She always insists on how she is funny.  Yes, in fact she is fairly humorous.  Yet, this is, as with other sociopaths a learned behaviour.  They use comedy to manipulate and control others.  She is very insistent and proud upon this point.  I do indeed enjoy this about her, yet I can see exactly why it exists.  She uses it to regain control in situations where she has none.

Superficial charm and good intelligence

She presents herself as outgoing, very attractive (because she is), clever and funny.  She fits in despite later showing small signs of uncertainty at whether or not she has.

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

I feel like this one actually contradicts number 8 on the list which is poor judgement and failure to learn by experience.  I do not see how both traits can simultaneously be exhibited though… I think she has a clear idea of what it is she wants for herself and anything in the way of that is irrelevant and she may or may not put on the act of caring about others in order to attain them.

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

The only times I ever saw her actually convincingly rattled were times where I think she had intended to gain something by way of a response.  She shows an appropriate amount of concern for certain things but too much at other times and then none at all during others.  Any genuine agitation she may experience is that of feeling trapped which is also common among sociopaths who are locked up (she is trapped in an abusive relationship).

Unreliability

This needs no explanation.  She is not reliable.  Perhaps only to her children as she has to be but otherwise to nobody else, at times even herself.  Noted that sociopaths can and will give off the general appearance of reliability, perhaps for a long time.  Hervey Cleckley says this is not even a consistency in inconsistency, but an inconsistency in inconsistency!

Untruthfulness and insincerity

Speaking of Hervey Cleckley, this is his definition of this trait:

This is one of the more important sociopath symptoms because they show such a remarkable disregard for truth that you cannot trust what they say happened, what they promise will happen or what they say their intentions are now.

They lie very convincingly. Whether they think they won’t be caught out in a lie, or whether there’s a high probability that they will be caught, they do the same impressive job. They can look trustworthy and look somebody in the eye and tell barefaced lies.

“He will lie about any matter, under any circumstances, and often for no good reason…”

Cleckley says it is difficult to explain how thoroughly straightforward some sociopaths can appear. They can be disarming not only to strangers but also to people who know that they are liars.

And despite being found out in lies and breaking serious promises, the sociopath will continue to talk about his word of honor and will appear surprised and upset if somebody questions it.

It seems they will lie to avoid unpleasantness or to gain something, even if this something is small and insignificant.

I know for a fact she is a liar, she lies to the man she lives with.  Yet if I even slightly suggest that she might be untruthful she is offended.  Case closed on this.

Lack of remorse and shame

One of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for her problems or problems she causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put herself in the role of victim.

This is another huge one for her, she loves to be the victim.  Loves being the victim.  Loves it.  Nothing is ever her fault.  Every disagreement and “argument” I ever had with her immediately turned into her turning everything into my fault usually by saying something like: “Oh of course it’s always me isn’t it?!  Always MY FAULT, but you do this and that and whatever.”  Her strategy is immediately to pitch it back onto the other person.  (In this case being me, a guy whose fault it clearly wasn’t because I did everything for her while she did exactly nothing for me, case closed again)

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior

Sociopaths cheat, swindle, fail, brawl, desert, steel, forge, defraud for surprisingly small stakes even if the risks of being discovered are great.

She cheated on her current man with me and lied to him perpetually.  Then allowed herself to get caught by leaving her cell phone unlocked.  Nobody leaves their cell phone unlocked.  I’m single and I don’t because I’m afraid if it ever got lost someone would go through it and find my personal information.  So she allowed this to happen.  Essentially she nocked an arrow, drew the bow and aimed it at the target then waited for the string to loose itself under strain.

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Despite seemingly rational powers, one of the common sociopath symptoms is that they often throw away great opportunities to, for example, make money or improve personal relationships.

And at the same time, despite punishments for wrongdoings, the sociopath will often continue with the same behavior, knowing that if they are caught they will be punished again.

She threw me away without making any fuss at all about it.  It was like dropping trash off at the curb.  She really DOES NOT give a fuck about the fact that she will never see me again.  I tested this a few times because I was done weeks ago and she literally only got pissy about it.  Essentially saying just go ahead already.  Oh, okay.  Fuck love I guess.  Must be nice not having that pesky bastard to slow you down as evidenced in the next subject.  Also, she allowed if not made herself get caught seemingly without caring if she would.

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

He (Cleckley) carefully explains that sociopaths are capable of casual fondness and reactions that cause others to matter to them. But these are limited in degree and don’t last very long in comparison to normal people.

Like say, from October until mid December.

The word ‘absolute’ is appropriate, he (Cleckley) says, if we’re talking about any affective attitude that is strong enough for us to call it love, by which he means anything that is sufficiently strong and lasts long enough to exert a major influence on behavior.

Which is why she keeps saying that she loves me yet exhibiting utterly no signs of it at all.

General poverty in major affective reactions

Sociopaths themselves have actually described being filled with blinding rage.  So I feel like Cleckley falls short on this particular point though I will link his definition for consideration and my thoughts will follow.

Another of the sociopath traits is a general lack of emotions. Any verbal descriptions are more likely to have been learnt then to come from a strength of feeling.

They may exhibit rage, or shallow moods of self-pity and shallow poses of indignation, but wholehearted anger, deep joy and genuine despair are not available. Humor they can feign, but they never have.

I feel like her emotions, if any exist are far milder than she lets on.  Her forced humour as I stated above I feel might actually be mimicry.  I’m sure she is capable of genuinely laughing… though at what I am not sure as it is a nervous reaction and I’m not certain she has those.

Specific loss of insight

the sociopath has no ability to see herself as others see her. Or rather, she has no ability to know how others feel when they see her. Again, this is something that she can pretend, because she has read about it. She can use all the words, and define all the words, but remains blind to what they mean.

I actually succumb to this myself so I fully understand this.  She does not at all know what we are looking at when we see her.  She measures the reaction she gets and responds to this.  Like social sonar.

 

I wish I had caught this earlier.  My ego was only willing to stop at seeing myself in her, which I do, but not to look beyond that.  Wow!

Pattern of Abandonment

Aforementioned in this blog are the desertion of my mother and wife.  It is something that I have come to accept.  No amount of giving nor love can change a woman’s mind once it has been made.  Especially on the matter of love.  Kali gradually began resisting reasons to interact with me.  Not bothering to text most days, refusing outright to try to call or visit.  When I observed this she accused me of playing games or making her jump through hoops.  No, it’s expected in a loving relationship that you’ll simply do these things because you care, because it matters to you.  Because the person you claim to love matters to you.

I consistently make the mistake of jumping in with both feet and loving with my whole heart.  Kali was no different from my wife.  She loved me while it was convenient and provided her with something, the second that it was challenging she bailed.  That’s not love.  That’s not how it works.  Love isn’t self serving.  Love is altruistic.  Yes, love is also work and as I’ve said in the past both parties need to participate.  The moment one does not it’s over. 

So Kali has, like all of the other terrible women in my life, failed me.  In so failing she has failed herself dramatically and like all those who have no love in them and no accountability it is of course all my fault.

I’ve admitted to my flaws.  I’m bipolar type two with dysphoria and serious abandonment issues. Not to mention SAD.  If you are a vigilant reader you’ll notice that most of my women troubles occur in winter.  I admit that I’m at my worst in winter.  This is no reason to be a failure.  No reason to put all of the blame squarely on me.  I accept my mistakes, I’m big enough to admit to them and I make my amends.  This cannot be said of the women of my past.  They refuse to accept their mistakes.  They place blame and spew vitriol.  They use names.  I rarely if ever throw names around and usually only when they are proven to apply.  I used few names against my wife, who earned them.  I used none against Kali, though I did describe, accurately, her unfavorable behaviors.  Which all of course still apply.  I fought for our relationship.  She did nothing.  Then blamed me.  It’s pathetic, it’s lazy and cowardly. 

As with Zoe I’m not upset about losing her so much as the idea of her.  She actively proved herself to be none of the desirable qualities she portrayed.  She is living deceit.  I was fooled into believing that she was a decent, caring and loving person.  Mostly, I think she was a spoiled housewife who got bored of the same man and decided to cheat on him.  Which I am not moralizing against.  If she was genuinely mistreated and wanted a way out she would have found it rather than a distraction in me and excuses.  She isn’t committed to leaving him.  She’s oddly enough more committed to him than she realizes.  Maybe for all the wrong reasons, but devoted nonetheless.  She even prefers to defend him in conversation over a man who offered her a way out and hope. 

I had genuinely hoped that in finding someone with the same disorder there would be understanding.  She accused me of not understanding when she decided to not care about me nor regard me at all.  Claiming that it was depression.  No sweetie, when you are depressed the loved ones who offer you the slightest sliver of light are bigger than the sun.  You just didn’t love me.  Maybe you even felt guilty about it.  I understand.  Boy do I.

So go.  Fade into the obscurity of malicious self interest, spite and pity that is the women of my past.  My pattern of being abandoned won’t end with you.  It will end with the woman who is good, proud, honest, strong and deserving enough to stay.  That clearly isn’t you.