I wrote this a while back and took it down. Now after speaking with my therapist on intimate details of how manipulative and heartless Kali was both she and I are so totally and thoroughly convinced that she is a sociopath.
She isn’t bipolar… The reason that the antidepressants aren’t working for her is that her misery isn’t based on actual depression. It’s based on her failure to exact the things she desires. She is more than likely a sociopath.
Her reaction to me in the last while has been that of pure rage to the point of over-riding any affection that she ever felt for me. I thought, this can’t be love… Alas, it maybe can’t but more importantly, the only people who truly react like this, get so angry that they forget their feelings toward a person are sociopaths.
I have mentioned in the past that I have felt as though I myself have had similar symptoms and signs and therefore it has been difficult to distinguish me from someone with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder). Well, there it is! She appears for all intents to be depressed and bipolar. Manic at times. I told her to tell her doctors to ignore the trauma of her past!!! It shouldn’t have been at all, she is legitimately a sociopath. Most likely caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and traumatic upbringing. She is dissociative and therefore her despondency has been due to a genuine incapability to pair bond. She has long term friends though she only sees them infrequently and she sees herself in them, as she cannot form an independent concept of self she relies on them to feed her ego, to supply her with a fresh mask.
I’m no doctor, only a sub-genius with an overactive mind but seriously… with her medical and personal history, her relationships and everything else. It all fits!
I’m not even bothered by it. I kind of respect that she tries so hard. I just can’t believe that it all had to blow up and leave shrapnel in my emotions for me to see it clearly. The entire rhythm of our relationship makes total sense. The moment I could not provide her with anything substantial I was useless to her. She fed off of me like a vampire to find more value in herself, with the peak of our sexual spark exploited she felt no further reason to pursue it.
She always insists on how she is funny. Yes, in fact she is fairly humorous. Yet, this is, as with other sociopaths a learned behaviour. They use comedy to manipulate and control others. She is very insistent and proud upon this point. I do indeed enjoy this about her, yet I can see exactly why it exists. She uses it to regain control in situations where she has none.
Superficial charm and good intelligence
She presents herself as outgoing, very attractive (because she is), clever and funny. She fits in despite later showing small signs of uncertainty at whether or not she has.
Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking
I feel like this one actually contradicts number 8 on the list which is poor judgement and failure to learn by experience. I do not see how both traits can simultaneously be exhibited though… I think she has a clear idea of what it is she wants for herself and anything in the way of that is irrelevant and she may or may not put on the act of caring about others in order to attain them.
Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations
The only times I ever saw her actually convincingly rattled were times where I think she had intended to gain something by way of a response. She shows an appropriate amount of concern for certain things but too much at other times and then none at all during others. Any genuine agitation she may experience is that of feeling trapped which is also common among sociopaths who are locked up (she is trapped in an abusive relationship).
This needs no explanation. She is not reliable. Perhaps only to her children as she has to be but otherwise to nobody else, at times even herself. Noted that sociopaths can and will give off the general appearance of reliability, perhaps for a long time. Hervey Cleckley says this is not even a consistency in inconsistency, but an inconsistency in inconsistency!
Untruthfulness and insincerity
Speaking of Hervey Cleckley, this is his definition of this trait:
This is one of the more important sociopath symptoms because they show such a remarkable disregard for truth that you cannot trust what they say happened, what they promise will happen or what they say their intentions are now.
They lie very convincingly. Whether they think they won’t be caught out in a lie, or whether there’s a high probability that they will be caught, they do the same impressive job. They can look trustworthy and look somebody in the eye and tell barefaced lies.
“He will lie about any matter, under any circumstances, and often for no good reason…”
Cleckley says it is difficult to explain how thoroughly straightforward some sociopaths can appear. They can be disarming not only to strangers but also to people who know that they are liars.
And despite being found out in lies and breaking serious promises, the sociopath will continue to talk about his word of honor and will appear surprised and upset if somebody questions it.
It seems they will lie to avoid unpleasantness or to gain something, even if this something is small and insignificant.
I know for a fact she is a liar, she lies to the man she lives with. Yet if I even slightly suggest that she might be untruthful she is offended. Case closed on this.
Lack of remorse and shame
One of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for her problems or problems she causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put herself in the role of victim.
This is another huge one for her, she loves to be the victim. Loves being the victim. Loves it. Nothing is ever her fault. Every disagreement and “argument” I ever had with her immediately turned into her turning everything into my fault usually by saying something like: “Oh of course it’s always me isn’t it?! Always MY FAULT, but you do this and that and whatever.” Her strategy is immediately to pitch it back onto the other person. (In this case being me, a guy whose fault it clearly wasn’t because I did everything for her while she did exactly nothing for me, case closed again)
Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
Sociopaths cheat, swindle, fail, brawl, desert, steel, forge, defraud for surprisingly small stakes even if the risks of being discovered are great.
She cheated on her current man with me and lied to him perpetually. Then allowed herself to get caught by leaving her cell phone unlocked. Nobody leaves their cell phone unlocked. I’m single and I don’t because I’m afraid if it ever got lost someone would go through it and find my personal information. So she allowed this to happen. Essentially she nocked an arrow, drew the bow and aimed it at the target then waited for the string to loose itself under strain.
Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
Despite seemingly rational powers, one of the common sociopath symptoms is that they often throw away great opportunities to, for example, make money or improve personal relationships.
And at the same time, despite punishments for wrongdoings, the sociopath will often continue with the same behavior, knowing that if they are caught they will be punished again.
She threw me away without making any fuss at all about it. It was like dropping trash off at the curb. She really DOES NOT give a fuck about the fact that she will never see me again. I tested this a few times because I was done weeks ago and she literally only got pissy about it. Essentially saying just go ahead already. Oh, okay. Fuck love I guess. Must be nice not having that pesky bastard to slow you down as evidenced in the next subject. Also, she allowed if not made herself get caught seemingly without caring if she would.
Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
He (Cleckley) carefully explains that sociopaths are capable of casual fondness and reactions that cause others to matter to them. But these are limited in degree and don’t last very long in comparison to normal people.
Like say, from October until mid December.
The word ‘absolute’ is appropriate, he (Cleckley) says, if we’re talking about any affective attitude that is strong enough for us to call it love, by which he means anything that is sufficiently strong and lasts long enough to exert a major influence on behavior.
Which is why she keeps saying that she loves me yet exhibiting utterly no signs of it at all.
General poverty in major affective reactions
Sociopaths themselves have actually described being filled with blinding rage. So I feel like Cleckley falls short on this particular point though I will link his definition for consideration and my thoughts will follow.
Another of the sociopath traits is a general lack of emotions. Any verbal descriptions are more likely to have been learnt then to come from a strength of feeling.
They may exhibit rage, or shallow moods of self-pity and shallow poses of indignation, but wholehearted anger, deep joy and genuine despair are not available. Humor they can feign, but they never have.
I feel like her emotions, if any exist are far milder than she lets on. Her forced humour as I stated above I feel might actually be mimicry. I’m sure she is capable of genuinely laughing… though at what I am not sure as it is a nervous reaction and I’m not certain she has those.
Specific loss of insight
the sociopath has no ability to see herself as others see her. Or rather, she has no ability to know how others feel when they see her. Again, this is something that she can pretend, because she has read about it. She can use all the words, and define all the words, but remains blind to what they mean.
I actually succumb to this myself so I fully understand this. She does not at all know what we are looking at when we see her. She measures the reaction she gets and responds to this. Like social sonar.
I wish I had caught this earlier. My ego was only willing to stop at seeing myself in her, which I do, but not to look beyond that. Wow!