Necessary Biological Transgression. 

You’ll be misunderstood and spend much of your time alone. It will be frustrating. You’ll second guess yourself. Thinking over things you’ve said  and done, knowing that some are definitely questionable. Therefore wondering if the rest are contributing brush strokes in painting a horrible picture. This is of course a waste of time and an exercise in vanity. 

You will never truly belong. No deep and lasting connections. Mostly obligatory social interactions. This is as much to do with your personality as it is your disorder. Though, from whence comes your personality? You were a sweet child and adolescent. Even very kind and sociable throughout your teens.

People who should know you, know about your disorder, still misunderstand you.  They are surprised and upset by your behaviours or impulse issues. Which hurts your feelings, creates distress and rifts between those who would be closest to you. Therefore your depression comes all the more easy, you are the most isolated and ostracized person in the world.  Totally alienated from everyone, nobody ever making the extra effort to include you. To reach out.  To let you know that you are loved and cared for.  Because you likely aren’t.  

Your sense of genuine attachment or connection to other people begins to atrophy.  You drift further away from humanity.  Your own sense of belonging to the species eroding.  Messages of decisiveness and hatred filtering in from social media and news outlets.  Misanthropy pervading your very being.  Nihilism becomes you.  Soulless.  Suspended in darkness, peering dispassionately out at the swan song that is the human pathogen as you prepare to egress.  Mutate.  Next evolution. 

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Dead Inside

My emotions have taken a beating in the last little while.  The woman I love has become an uncertainty in my life and this simply destroys me.  I genuinely love her.  More than anything.  I want nothing else in this world than to be with her always.  Yet, after months of receding texts and pictures, no visits nor phone calls of any kind… she seems to have turtled completely.

I’m not saying that it’s over, but it doesn’t look good and I am distraught.  I don’t have what it takes right now to deal with something like this.  I don’t know if I will recover from this.  I don’t know if after all of this neglect I will be able to see her the same.  I feel like you can’t care about someone and treat them this way.  So, this is causing me harm.  It is doing damage.  Damage from which I’m afraid there is no healing.

I don’t want the woman of my dreams to become something I resent because she has totally failed to provide me with any kind of relationship.  I don’t want to look at her as selfish and cruel.  I don’t want these to be the surviving traits that come through this storm.  Because if they are then there was no sense in weathering it to begin with.  I want to girl who genuinely thought about me.  I want the girl who loves my everything.  Who sends me cute pictures.  Who doesn’t withhold things from me or flat out lie to me.  Alas, this woman is slowly disappearing and I am left with nothing but the dream of her.

I have been very depressed and I think she has been as well.  Yet this is no excuse to treat one another poorly.  I am always kind to her, I always think of her.  She never thinks of me, never texts unless I have first.  I feel more and more that this relationship is one sided and as I do despite the love that I feel I am angry.  Not so much with her but myself because I know I deserve better.  She wanted me because I was so considerate, yet totally fails to earn that.  She takes me for granted and neglects me completely.

So.  I guess I have to pull the trigger on another one.  My heart really can’t take it.  I can’t help but feel like this was the goal all along.  I just wish she had been a better person about it and had simply let me go rather than waste my time, my hopes and emotions.  Now I’m going to be hurt for a good long while and I won’t be able to be with anyone.  At this point even if it could get better, if an improved version was offered I don’t know that I could take it… I love her more than anything but I doubt that it will get better and even if it was it will always go back to shitty.  Now that I know she genuinely doesn’t give a shit I will always know that.  It will always end up right back here.  So why fucking bother?

I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I meet women who seem so great and then they just abuse the shit out of my good nature.  Which is why I’m a total asshole most of the time because I don’t want anyone to get close like this and do shit like this to me.  To exploit my empathy and care and then just fucking ditch me.  I’ve gotten nothing from this relationship.  Nothing.  I can’t even get her to call me!!!  If you love someone this isn’t even a thought.  This isn’t something that you ever consider NOT doing.  So yeah, the more I write about how so totally fucking horribly shitty this whole fucked up deal has been for me, the more angry I get.  I don’t want to hate her completely so I have to stop writing.

The question is, when I go do I fucking torch the shit out of the bridge or not…?