Out of the Wilderness.

Hello again.  I’ve been preoccupied and distracted.  Busy.  I wish I could tell you that my life was improving.  Well, on paper it is… I’m going back to college and I’m doing okay.  Alas, on the psychosocial front I am dissolving.  It has been a foray into the wilderness of humanity.  Dating unsuccessfully, meeting loads of new people and not making any friends.  I have been chemically prevented from anything like serious disdain or regret but lately… I’ve been more circumspect.  As I think about my experiences I am reminded of “As Good As It Gets” with Jack Nicholson.  Wherein his character, who has psychosocial issues comes to the realization that maybe “this is as good as it gets”.  The more I think about that, the less hopeful I become.

I feel lonely so I reach out.  It starts out fine.  Then a joke is told, usually followed by some confusion or misunderstanding and it all goes south rather quickly.  What was supposed to be funny becomes a serious discussion and then degenerates into an argument.  You can’t say anything nice about yourself without people getting extremely precious about it.  Whether it is true and you are simply stating a virtue or it is a joke and you don’t actually mean it at all.  It just turns into a tragedy and every bit of hope that you had for having a nice easy happy social life goes completely to shit.

I like people less and less.  I like myself less and less.  I become introspective about the entire thing and the suicidal ideation that hasn’t been a part of my life for so long starts creeping back in.  COmpletely welcomed like an old friend.  Why bother?  You try to be nice, it starts a fight, you try to be defensive and keep people at arm’s length and it becomes an argument.  Dating is a mixed bag of solipsistic and shallow women and meaningless encounters that range from indifference to casual sex.  Nothing lasting or progressive.  I’m an odd virus in a petri dish.  Nothing else can exist in this space without corruption by or with me.  I either devour it, or it is so hallow that I simply spread right through it, obliterate it completely.

So, without love… Without support or close ties, friendships or lovers, what exactly is the point?  If this is as good as it gets, why carry on?  I cannot be cured, I cannot live a healthy balanced and normal productive life, so why live?  I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I genuinely want to know.  How can I find meaning in this wilderness.  What is my purpose?  To continually attempt to have a better life that I am utterly incapable of maintaining, only to fail repeatedly and simply be frustrated…?

I don’t want that.  Every single street has a one way sign…

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Alive and Kicking 

I’m still living.  I’d like to tell you that I’m more stable but that just isn’t true.  My whole life is on hiatus.  I’ve been accepted to college where I’ll be taking fashion business.  I genuinely have a gift for such things.  Delilah has moved on.  Resuming a relationship with an abusive jackass who doesn’t deserve her.

I recently heard some laughable news that Kali is marrying  the man she was cheating on to be with me.  I pity them both.  Neither have the strength of character or independence to address the fact that they couldn’t suit one another less.  At least they look good together.  They’ll carry on being miserable.  Marriage only compresses and condenses that.  I want to be happy for her.  I really do.  I’ll always love those I have loved.  So, I always prefer to feel the best about the future of those I’ve loved.  But I genuinely do not feel as though this is the best for her.  There is a part of my heart that knows that I was better for her.  I feel ashamed that I failed her.

He isn’t a bad man.  They aren’t bad people.  They just have nothing to offer each other.  It’s a sad little world.  No future.  Bleak.  None of my business.

I’m be gone forever soon.  There will be so many women like her where I’m going.  Some of them might even be sane.  I’m still going to be there.  Still alive.  Still kicking.

So Long and Goodnight

I’ve left Kali behind and immediately my life got immensely better.  It’s so wild to think that the pheromones of that woman had me so twisted up I believed that she was actually in love with me.  She is Poison Ivy from Batman.  She uses her pheromones to make men go crazy and do her bidding.

Now Delilah is back in my life.  Slowly working her way back in.  I am not jumping into a relationship.  Yet she and I are talking and getting physical.  It’s comforting.  She is such a sweet woman.  I’ve also gone visiting with other women, some new and some from my past.  My friend Crazy is having similar issues with a man with whom she is sleeping.  She and I are getting close and considering physical options.  She is an ex of mine from 20 years ago.

Sure, there is a part of me that recognizes that I am filling a void.  However, there is also a part of me that is merely making up for lost time.  I don’t like spending long periods of time out of service.  So this entire clusterfuck with Kali represented a gross loss of time that I need to recuperate.

I will always love the women that I have loved.  I still love Kali.  But I also still love Crazy, Delilah and Kimberly, whom I visited in the big city recently.  Then there was Sylvie whom I did finally manage a session with.  Though now she has started dating another guy.  Truthfully without the bonds and restrictions of a relationship I always find something new to get up to.  Or something old to get up to.

I can’t rightly complain about my life.  Things are improving.  Spring is coming and I’ve left another controlling, manipulative woman in the dust.  I pity her.  I pity the shortsightedness of women.  Their total incapability to work through such tiny issues to gain the big prize and all the little beautiful things along the way.  I am super considerate, so being a woman in my life is rewarding.  I will always be there for you and thoughtfully doing sweet and useful things for you.  So to just discard that is the paramount of insanity.  I have recently had a run of bad experiences with woman incapable of moving up and onward with their lives.  Improving and expanding.

There will come the one someday.  Until then I am actually very blessed with feminine presence in my life.  I am just going to go on safari and enjoy the majesty and beauty of the natural wildlife all around me and let it move me.  The goal in my life is to be a better person than I was in a better place than I was and I am achieving that.  Leaving behind those who have no interest in these things doesn’t hurt me in the slightest.  In fact, it is a huge benefit to me.  I have taken a massive step up.  So long and goodnight!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bitter Poisonous End

So everyone is clear on the definition of love, love is when two people see everything about the other, the nasty parts as well as the good parts and instead of running the other way they think, we can work with one another on those nasty parts.  We can work together to sort those out and in so doing we can become one whole perfect unit.  This only works if both parties consistently show up and get to work.

The woman with whom I was most recently involved, Kali was my soulmate.  We saw one another for exactly what we both were.  Both flawed, both bipolar.  It was a beautiful union.  I am still very in love with her, I always will be.  She is physically, intellectually and socially perfect for me in every way.  Emotionally she is so damaged that she can’t allow herself to be loved properly.

Before the Christmas holidays of 2015 she would send me cute messages of her own volition, send me pictures, cute and sexy.  She would tell me how handsome I was and how excited she was to see me, how much she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me and talk to me.  During the holidays I had difficulty making contact with her though I dismissed this with her excuses that the holidays are a busy time.  She texted rarely with apologies and maybe a picture.  Perhaps a promise that she would try to call later.

She returned after two weeks of this and I thought okay, things will get back to normal.  She loves me so much she will try to call me on the phone just to hear my voice.  She will still send me pictures everyday.  Without me having to text her first she will surprise me with texts just to tell me how great I am and how much she loves me.  This might have happened about three times tops.  I started putting in all of the work.  She would reply positively, but fewer pictures if any and no uninitiated texts at all.

At this point it is very evident that you are clearly and totally not on someones mind.  She claimed to be upset and depressed which I accepted and was concerned about alas, there is only so much anyone can do through texts to legitimately help in these situations.  So I began to probe around the idea that she call me.  After our phone calls she always felt so much better for having heard my voice and knowing that she wasn’t alone.  I would say sweet and wonderful things with a voice and tone that she normally loved and it would all be a little better at least.  Except she now resisted this.  Despite admitting that this might help she flat out did not accept taking any part in trying to make it actually happen in any way.  FUCK NO, was she going to try to do this even in the slightest.

Her love for me was dying, obviously.  When a woman’s heart goes it’s gone.  This I have learned.  You can do nothing to prevent it, though you try like a desperate fool in vain because as a man, you are bound to fight for a love you have in so short a time learned not to live without.  Women truly do not need men.  Men desperately need women.  So I fought, which only made matters worse.  I tried all the soothing things I possibly could and made myself a door mat for her.  This obviously didn’t work.  Why would it?  Why would having an attractive, capable, kind, loving, caring, intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, sexually perfect for you and completely smitten man at your disposal please you?  It wouldn’t.

I tried all the nice things I could and then I challenged her.  I started being a little bit vicious on those points that I knew that she was being weak.  Which, rather than motivating her only made her flat-out hate me.  I have always suspected that there are things that she has withheld from me, not outright lies per se, more like lies of omission.  I challenged her on this which upset her worse.  I challenged her on her unwillingness and fear to put her foot down and take control of her own life in the face of her oppressor, calling her a coward in the process.  I feel terrible about this though the goal was to motivate her to actually DO ANYTHING about it she only decided to turn it back on me as rage and hatred.

None of the above matters.  Not a bit.  There are really only a few points that actually matter.  She stopped loving me some time around Christmas and I have been fighting desperately for us, but seeing as I am the only one fighting there really is no us.

I don’t blame her for not loving me, I blame her for continuing to say the words, for claiming still that she loves me when it is plain to see that through her actions and behaviour there is no love left in her.  She is only herself with no space nor interest in anyone else.  I feel sorry for her.  I genuinely pity the fuck out of her because from here in her life she will have to find someone else who isn’t nearly as good as me or stay with the clown she lives with who is abusive.  Who she also shares no love with.  She had a perfectly good lily pad to leap to and instead she shat all over it and is now totally uncertain of her future.  All she had to do was keep loving the man who loves her more than life itself.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink as they say.  I can’t make her love me and I can see that she clearly has no intention of pretending even for her own sake, which is actually for the best.  I don’t want to get suckered into it now.  The good news is now I am fully aware and free to move on.  No guilt and no urge to turn back.  She had her chance, if she were to have a change in heart now I know that I couldn’t possibly trust it after months of neglect.  It really bothers me though, that act of burning a bridge while you are standing on it… Her love was so great and wonderful while it lasted, I was certain we would be together forever and then she just shot it in the face.  For no reason.  I’m going to have a Kali shaped hole in my heart for the rest of my life over a few months that were mostly unrequited… It’s a horrible monstrosity. A tragedy.  Part of me wants to die and another just desperately hopes I can find anything like her anywhere else…

Dead Inside

My emotions have taken a beating in the last little while.  The woman I love has become an uncertainty in my life and this simply destroys me.  I genuinely love her.  More than anything.  I want nothing else in this world than to be with her always.  Yet, after months of receding texts and pictures, no visits nor phone calls of any kind… she seems to have turtled completely.

I’m not saying that it’s over, but it doesn’t look good and I am distraught.  I don’t have what it takes right now to deal with something like this.  I don’t know if I will recover from this.  I don’t know if after all of this neglect I will be able to see her the same.  I feel like you can’t care about someone and treat them this way.  So, this is causing me harm.  It is doing damage.  Damage from which I’m afraid there is no healing.

I don’t want the woman of my dreams to become something I resent because she has totally failed to provide me with any kind of relationship.  I don’t want to look at her as selfish and cruel.  I don’t want these to be the surviving traits that come through this storm.  Because if they are then there was no sense in weathering it to begin with.  I want to girl who genuinely thought about me.  I want the girl who loves my everything.  Who sends me cute pictures.  Who doesn’t withhold things from me or flat out lie to me.  Alas, this woman is slowly disappearing and I am left with nothing but the dream of her.

I have been very depressed and I think she has been as well.  Yet this is no excuse to treat one another poorly.  I am always kind to her, I always think of her.  She never thinks of me, never texts unless I have first.  I feel more and more that this relationship is one sided and as I do despite the love that I feel I am angry.  Not so much with her but myself because I know I deserve better.  She wanted me because I was so considerate, yet totally fails to earn that.  She takes me for granted and neglects me completely.

So.  I guess I have to pull the trigger on another one.  My heart really can’t take it.  I can’t help but feel like this was the goal all along.  I just wish she had been a better person about it and had simply let me go rather than waste my time, my hopes and emotions.  Now I’m going to be hurt for a good long while and I won’t be able to be with anyone.  At this point even if it could get better, if an improved version was offered I don’t know that I could take it… I love her more than anything but I doubt that it will get better and even if it was it will always go back to shitty.  Now that I know she genuinely doesn’t give a shit I will always know that.  It will always end up right back here.  So why fucking bother?

I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I meet women who seem so great and then they just abuse the shit out of my good nature.  Which is why I’m a total asshole most of the time because I don’t want anyone to get close like this and do shit like this to me.  To exploit my empathy and care and then just fucking ditch me.  I’ve gotten nothing from this relationship.  Nothing.  I can’t even get her to call me!!!  If you love someone this isn’t even a thought.  This isn’t something that you ever consider NOT doing.  So yeah, the more I write about how so totally fucking horribly shitty this whole fucked up deal has been for me, the more angry I get.  I don’t want to hate her completely so I have to stop writing.

The question is, when I go do I fucking torch the shit out of the bridge or not…?

 

Triptych Pastiche.

The title will support the theme of this article and were I half the writer I believe myself to be I would actually make of it as such.  Though I am a finely crafted mimic, a recurrent undertone in the homily that is my life’s tale, I am only that and nothing more.  However… As a pastiche one can be renewed as unique, sublime, original and divine, for this is upon which I have been mired for so long.  It is possible to pay homage to multiple things and thus be set apart as something wholly individual.  To be defined, whilst still tipping ones hat at those from which it draws its characteristics.

Contrary to what I had originally believed to be true, I am really rather well defined in three parts:

There is Jack McBastard, the interloper.  The unwelcome rogue.  An agent of chaos, he brings to the table a litany of useful tricks and characteristics.  Even though the result may invariably be ruin and carnage he is an agent nonetheless.  An agent provocateur.  The mad keeper of the gates to Mania.

Dysphorian Alpha, the future self that I strive for always.  A partially built, megalithic construct assembled from the parts of great men that I admire.  He is found in my visage as it is the simplest part of myself to shape.  The finest shave, a collection of eau de toilette, finery and positive charms.  Socially acceptable at my best behaviours and always upbeat.  I find him in my genuine confidence, my lack of fear or need for competition as these things suggest loss of control or rivalry.  Alpha is peerless, yet humble, his confidence dictates that he has no need of displays.  He is rarer than the other two as he is the final stage of my metamorphosis.

Then there is Dysphorian the curator.  My present and evolving regular self.  The glue and stitches holding together the poorly grafted frankenpersonality.  The man who plays between these two diametric titans and is torn asunder from the fray.  When they clash, he is crushed between them.  When they dash in opposite directions, he is drawn and quartered.  This is the character that everyone sees.

As I have stated in the past, there used to be confusion with regards to bipolars and whether or not they were multiple personality.  It is easy to understand, we aren’t multiple personalities, we are several personalities attempting to be one.  He is the curator, the keeper of the characteristics and traits.  Perpetually under the weight of the opposite poles and far behind schedule.  Always playing catch-up.

With regards to Kali… I have been the ass.  I have been playing catch-up between these two and finding myself much needier than I should.  I have been impatient and moody and there has been no need of it.  Things aren’t going to be like a newlywed’s honeymoon everyday.  That is the matter of going through life without being in control of our own circumstances as of yet… That can be expected.  I am merely going to do my best to keep the romance alive and not worry so much if she isn’t always available at every moment.  I knew, and know, that this is an unrealistic expectation.  I should know better than to push so hard when there is nowhere to push to, that is exactly how pressure is made and nobody likes pressure.

I love her.  I can never lose her.

 

Sidetracked

I somehow managed to get lost along the way.  I did what I all too frequently do and I lost focus on the primary goal.  My objective is to manage my disorder and the emotional imbalances that come with it.  The problem with that being that I am and do have a wealth of emotion.  I am passionate.  I extend my care and concern to others.  I am affectionate.  In fact, it is this feature that assures my therapist and myself that I am not a psycho/sociopath.  Though, a caveat to this is that sociopaths can be made…  Especially if their emotions are dissociated, abused and in all other ways scrambled.  I’m not far away from antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and share many of the traits as seen in this previous post (the post in that hyperlink also has another hyperlink to a related post, which is on the same subject and one of my favourite so we can see there is a theme here).

I put myself out there and I like to believe that it is give and take.  That the love and care that I give will be returned to me.  That my nearly boundless consideration will be appreciated and because it is that it will come back to me.  This is rarely if ever the case.  In fact it is becoming downright aggressively hostile how I am absorbed from like a fountain and not even so much as pissed back into.  And there it is.  The crux of the entirety of bipolar hypo-manic dysphoric  phase shift.  You care SO much that when you realize that the same care and love that you send out will never be returned, you snap.

It isn’t unreasonable.  It really isn’t.  Being thoughtful is the basic minimum standard in any relationship.  My wife couldn’t do it.  All you have to do is pick up a phone, send a text.  Even if it is meaningless, let me know that I am being thought of and that I am still in the loop.  Let me know that you are going out…  So I can make plans too, or I don’t wonder what the fuck happened to you.  My ex Zoe was extremely selfish in this regard.  She had the nerve to ever complain about anything I did or did not ever do for her… What did you ever do for me?  I even did all the work in bed…  Idiot.  Anything I did for you should have been taken as a bonus and you should have thanked me profusely for it.

So once again I find myself investing more thought in another person that I am in myself.  I want it to be a loop.  I want it to go out and then have it come back to me.  I want to say sweet things to her in the middle of the day and know that it will come back to me at random.  Which it never will.  There’s a thing about stuff of this nature, if you have to be told to do it then it is meaningless.  You are only fulfilling a preordained task or obligation in order to satisfy a request.  You are only going through the motions.  A programmed meat robot acting out the events without a will of your own.  You need the desire and inception for it to matter.

It was these things that drew her to me in the first place.  What she doesn’t seem to understand is that there are two sides to it.  That you earn it.  That you are there for it, you receive it and make time for him.  That you return these thoughts, surprises and gestures.  That you think of him when he is not around and let him know.  That you, yourself are considerate in little ways.  That you keep him filled in and let him know with texts that you are thinking about him always.

I have been confused as to why she even wants me in her life lately.  I mentioned it to her and she seemed really upset but that actually confused me because after that I didn’t hear from her again until the next day.  even then we spoke some throughout the day, she was elusive as per usual these days and then from diner nothing.  I doubt I’ll hear from her until close to noon tomorrow.  I don’t know what has happened to her but I want the Kali that I fell in love with back.  The one that never stopped texting me.  That sent me a picture every half hour at the latest.  That was always trying to think of ways to see me.

I didn’t really come to this post to complain about her.  She is a wonderful woman and I really do love her.  I came here to declare that I need to work harder on myself and focus less on my relationships.  Focus less on external distractions.  When those things sort themselves out they can be a part of my life again.  In the meantime I have some housecleaning and creativity to get underway.  I’m only afraid that by the time that others are ready to be all in I might be too busy to be able to focus on that.  Or just too far out.  I guess this is how life goes.  It’s all one big sordid Greek tragedy.

 

Edit: I have a serious problem with the lack of communication.  It has been a theme in my past relationships and has always turned out to be a sign of a deeper issue.  We live in a communication rich era.  It is too easy to communicate in a myriad of ways: Text, being the easiest and quickest, but also, call or email are quick and simple.  You can facebook or facebook message too easy as well.  So when there is radio silence from someone I get really, really suspicious immediately.  Like, it drives me fucking mental.  It has always served me well, this instinct.  My wife decided to fuck off to her girlfriends for a weekend of binge-drinking without telling me and sure enough she was leaving me.  This is only one example of many.  Could I be over-reacting?  Sure, but I doubt it.  It really takes little to no effort to show someone that you care by picking up your phone and texting literally something so simple as: “Hey :)”