I was always a very honest person growing up and to this day have traits that are deeply biased in favour of being totally and completely open. I am quite literally an open book. When I make mistakes I often admit to them, often to my own detriment. I don’t know so much that it is out of guilt, I’m not so sure that I understand guilt completely. But even when I was taken advantage of in a very drunken state (read raped) I eventually had to own up to my then girlfriend because I felt it was right. It took me some time and I hadn’t realized that technically I had given no consent nor would I had I been sober. It destroyed that relationship. At least I was honest, I guess it’s a small victory in some strange way. A little brass medal that I got to pin on myself as a consolation.
As I have aged the veneer is peeling and flaking. I am becoming less honest. I haven’t even been fully honest in this blog which is anonymous. Mostly on the off chance that someone connects me to my various sins and crimes. I am not what you would call a decent man. I represent a litany of vices in an unabashed display of hedonism and excess, despite being on the lower rung of society. Afforded mostly by my charm, wit and good looks, coupled with having nothing to be responsible for and therefore the maximum amount of disposable income. I am Dorian Gray only without the wealth and no real need of it. So my blog has come full circle.
Recently it has dawned on me that my condition might be a tad more complicated than I had realized. I may well also have dipped into the category of antisocial personality disorder. In addition to never having been affected by the death of humans and being openly disdainful of efforts to save people in third world countries I have a myriad of other similarities to the illness. Most can be explained by bipolar as they are the same symptoms, however I may be suffering from a crossover or falling somewhere between them.
Risk factors for ASPD that I share:
- Family history of antisocial personality disorder or other personality disorders or mental illness
- Being subjected to verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood
- Unstable or chaotic family life during childhood
- Loss of parents through traumatic divorce during childhood
- History of substance abuse in parents or other family members
Which happens to be all but one. The symptoms that I exhibit are as follows:
- Disregard for right and wrong (I live my life as I see fit, I know that drugs and prostitution are illegal but that doesn’t stop me from occasionally enjoying them, I have a moral ambiguity)
- Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or for sheer personal pleasure (I have been unfaithful in relationships and not been honest about it, I have mislead people)
- Intense egocentrism, sense of superiority and exhibitionism (Um, duh!)
- Recurring difficulties with the law (I don’t suffer from this but I have dealt with the law more than the average honest citizen I think)
- Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, impulsiveness, aggression or violence (agitation, irritation and impulsiveness overlap with bipolar)
- Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others (any harm I may have ever done I can justify, I never feel guilty)
- Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors (overlap with bipolar)
- Poor or abusive relationships (not abusive but poor indeed)
- Failure to learn from the negative consequences of behavior (I will count this one, not because I don’t learn but that I don’t learn what people expect me to)
I never established a real emotional link with my mother which persists to this day. My dealings with her are merely out of a sense of duty and obligation. My stepmother was abusive and my father, despite having an initially positive relationship was never present. He was at work, winding down or sleeping. I do not blame him for this in any way. I actually really do have a fondness for him, we are rather similar.
I think I was brushing up against this issue in this post. I am slowly becoming disconnected from humanity and where once I had empathy for the individual I now have instead a top-down apathetic view of humans as a whole species. I wish to preserve them which so often goes against what they consider “right”. I suppose you would call this “Playing God” within my own mind. Example: People see the starving and dejected people of Africa and they are motivated to help so they send aid. Or they volunteer to go assist themselves. In my mind I see an entire continent of people that should be allowed to die down to a sustainable number. Why should first world peoples invest in the lives of third world peoples who may get food and water? Sure, but they will be without education and jobs. Then you have to give them that too. You are creating a cycle of dependency. They only learn that strange foreign people will come and rescue them. Except we aren’t really, because we stole their resources to begin with, we keep them impoverished and dejected by sneaking everything out of their continent without their notice nor consent. We sell their gold/oil/trees for our profit and send back pennies for wells. So why bother? Let them die. Eventually maybe there will only be as many people as they can actually feed. Even if you manage to feed, clothe, house and educate these people, then what? Religions will get them. Or superstitions. They still burn gays and witches. No joke. So why do you think that you are doing any “good”? The one that maybe gets all these benefits and survives it all more than likely will never be useful to the rest of civilized society in any way at all. Oh sure, s/he will come to the western world and maybe get funded on a full ride for college. But all they will do with it is start another charity in order to “help” their former countrymen. Or, they will compete in a job market that already had enough first world people to begin with.
Let people die, sometimes it is the right thing to do. Death is natural and there is no shortage of people on the planet. In fact we are experiencing the opposite. We have too many and our resources are being mishandled. People starve and die in the west too. As a species we are doing terrible and I personally loathe us. Especially the misguided assholes who think they are actually doing “good works”. You want to do good works? Become a horse doctor for people. No, actually it would be too humane to put them out of their misery. Let them suffer to death and save the ammunition. Why spend money when time will do the trick? Africa is a living eugenics experiment and black people are losing. I pity them, sort of…
If you don’t care enough about the collective survival of your entire people to band together and save yourselves, why should anyone else? Why should other successful peoples be forced to pick up the tab for a failed people? Like aboriginals. And you’ll say: “But whites did that to both of them.” Only because we were more advanced first. Had their failed peoples had guns, ships and the wherewithal to employ biological warfare, white people would be on the losing side. I see no reason to be compelled to help, to change anything nor to feel guilty about it.
Asians and caucasians are successful, hispanics are doing quite well for themselves. Middle-eastern and black people are doomed to failure so their last ditch effort is to interbreed. Which I fully support. They have traits that are desirable. You’ll probably say: “But when black people breed with other races the baby comes out black.” Sure, the first time. But then breed that one with another white or asian, and so on for generations and all you have left is nappi hair. Look at Sicilians.
I think the solution is interracial breeding and a live and let die philosophy. If everyone bred with someone who was not recognizable as their own race, races would be gone in three generations. So, I feel as though I have nothing left to invest in my species. I put my money where my mouth is: noting my mental illness I got a vasectomy.
As for diagnosis it is noted that because of many overlapping traits with other personality disorders a key distinction is as follows: “Someone with antisocial personality disorder is likely to have an accurate — sometimes superior — understanding of others’ thinking with little awareness or regard for their feelings. This leads the person to act out and make other people miserable — with no feeling of remorse.” I do have issues with this. I take social cues in order to gauge feelings because I am not stupid but as for understanding the cause of them and whatever part I have in controlling them is, I am inept.
So now I wonder, am I bipolar? Or a sociopath?
Is it possible to be something in between?
I have as many traits in one as I have in the other. Which is damn near close to all of them in both cases.
What am I?