Sanguine release.

What to say?  Much has changed.  First, I wasn’t alone on Christmas.  My cousin had offered me a spot with his family and I reached out to him and joined them there.  This is after my (now former) girlfriend and I swapped gifts.  We stayed together for a month or so.  I guess describing the ultimate downfall of that relationship would be a good place to start.

Zoe never really let me in like I said.  She would ask me to do things around the house like paint her bedroom.  Now this is a fairly invested labour.  Slightly beyond a simple “chore”.  Yet when I spoke of the future, living together, paying for things like renovations, making decisions or talk of being an authoritarian for her children she would become visibly uncomfortable and say flat-out things like: “No, you have your life and you live at your place.  This is my house and my children don’t need any more parents.”  Which wasn’t the point… At all.  There were times when the young boy would test me.  Attempt to manipulate me, as he frequently manipulated his mother.  All children do this, it is their first attempt to understand the breadth of their own power.  The moment she was in the shower he wouldn’t ask for something, he would demand it.  Usually I would know that item, usually a treat, was not permitted at the time so I would deny it flatly.  To which his manipulative response would be to cry.  Because sure enough when his mother returned to find him crying he knew with certainty he would get a treat and I would be an asshole.  He would be fawned over for a half an hour.  This was a regular routine.  Zoe to this day is convinced that I am a child abusing psycho.  The only reason that I persisted was simply to establish a pecking order, which she was all too ready to subjugate as soon as possible.  The moment I saw this happen the first time I called her on it and she all but told me I was a cunt.  This should have been my queue to leave.

A heads up to any man who dates a woman who is this attached to her children.  Leave.  Leave right the fuck now.  She is not okay in the head.  She needs more professional help than me and I have a therapist, had a medications specialist and have a doctor I have to meet with regularly over my headspace.   Later in the relationship I started pointing out when he was manipulating her.  I became the cook as a former chef in training and made meals.  He was an extremely finicky eater, even for a child of 4 he was insanely, intensely picky.  He would eat something one week and love it.  LOVE IT!!! Then 5 days later he would sit and pretend to gag on it for 5 straight minutes.  I will give him this, he was a very clever child.  He would be excused from eating.  An activity that required him to use his own utensils and eat several different things, sometimes known sometimes unknown.  Without fail, every night half an hour after being excused: “Mom, can I have a yogurt?!”

Sure enough, she would spoon feed him yogurt!!! I pointed out how she only reinforced his shitty behavior by catering to him and she would lose her mind.  Insisting that she was a good mother.  I wasn’t criticizing, though I understand why she thought that.  I wasn’t attacking her nor judging her.  I was only trying to be objective.  If she allows this behaviour now it will carry throughout his life into adulthood and he will treat all women, maybe all people this way.  He will be entitled and pushy.  Maybe the kind of guy who thinks no means yes, if you see where I’m going with that…

So these are the things that created tension between us.  Her mother gets into my car for a ride home and has a break down.  Cries about how she treats her daughter and bullies her.  Which bothers me as well… Her daughter is a nice girl.  Smart and interested in cool stuff.  The kind of teenager I would like to have as a daughter if I had kids.  A little lazy, okay a lot lazy but I can deal with that.  I bring this break down to her and instead of asking me about it or talking it over with me and trying to understand it, she immediately flares up and yells at me calling me a liar.  Like I would make it up trying to cause a fight between her and her mother?  So she calls her mother to confirm it who denies the whole thing, seriously!!!  It takes me like a week or so to convince her that her mother did in fact say the things that she did and by then it is too late, it does’t matter because the crazy bitch (I just want to interject that as a woman lover I never use the word bitch, it’s for special cases like this one and as a sufferer of a mental disorder I also don’t tend to call people crazy except in special cases, like this one) has completely lost whatever love she had for me.  Which is fine.
Because I buy flowers every week without fail.  I rub her feet every night.  I make near gourmet meals in a kitchen that came out of the fucking 50’s, no easy fucking task.  Every night when she goes to put her kid to bed I clean up all his toys.  I do these things without being asked.  I give her 3 to 5 orgasms a night, some of which last as long as 10 minutes.  I love her as deeply as I’ve ever loved a woman and I can’t even get her to look me in the eyes because I know that she doesn’t love me in the slightest.  I’m too good for her and I know it and I’m at my wits end because I know I’m better than this.  I know I deserve better than this.  I know that by being in a relationship with her I passed up on a chance with a much better woman and I deeply regret every time she cuts my hair.  I know that I only bother to try to stay with her because there are literally no other options in this area in the hopes that she will open her stupid fucking eyes and see how too fucking good for her I am.  I hate myself because I am too weak to be alone and I am doing myself more damage by staying with this sack of garbage.  She is a prostitute I am paying for with self-worth and the price is way too steep.

She doesn’t leave me so much as exile me after a fight.  Eventually the exile becomes permanent.  She’s classy enough to wait until that weekend to hook-up with another guy.  A muslim.  For frame of reference this woman wears Guess jean shorts that almost show off labia.  That do in fact show off cheek.  She tells me that she has changed her wardrobe to show him more respect.  I told her once how I found it disrespectful how she would rather wear skimpy clothes and go dancing with a group of female friends than hang out with me.  That she thought it was okay or acceptable.  Not that I cared, I actually don’t mind and I was only half serious, I just wanted to know how she would react.  She got super angry, almost broke up with me.  Now she is with a muslim and changing her wardrobe and entire philosophy of existence so she can be a kept piece of cattle as a second class citizen.  A slave in a repressive culture.  If she thought that I was in any small way restrictive, she is going to have a serious wake-up call when things get serious between them.

I have since started dating another woman but I’m trying not to be too hopeful about her.  She seems really perfect.  Too perfect actually.  She even holds a bachelor of Psychology, like really?  She is obviously intelligent, career oriented, attractive and fun.  I’m just unsure about her.  We’ve had a few communication errors so I’m trying to take it super slow and not get too invested.  I just never really understand when you text someone and they don’t text back.  I don’t get that.  It isn’t a challenge.  Even: ‘Hey, I’ll be busy for a while but I got you and I’ll text you when I can.’ It takes seconds.  So I just assume that if you don’t that you don’t want to talk at all.  Which I know is a shitty way to think.  I’m also one of those people who compulsively has to answer a text right the heck away.  I can’t sit on it.  So I gauge these things differently I guess.

I’ve taken up archery.  I’m quite skilled at it.  I intend to pick up some better arrows soon that should slightly improve my shots.  The flights on mine aren’t very good and the shafts are a tad short for my draw.  It is excellent therapy.  The focus, the meditation.  So relaxing and cathartic.  I would highly recommend it to anyone who has tension or hypomania.  It really pulls you in.

That’s it for now, I’m up way too late.  I hope to update more soon.