Necessary Biological Transgression. 

You’ll be misunderstood and spend much of your time alone. It will be frustrating. You’ll second guess yourself. Thinking over things you’ve said  and done, knowing that some are definitely questionable. Therefore wondering if the rest are contributing brush strokes in painting a horrible picture. This is of course a waste of time and an exercise in vanity. 

You will never truly belong. No deep and lasting connections. Mostly obligatory social interactions. This is as much to do with your personality as it is your disorder. Though, from whence comes your personality? You were a sweet child and adolescent. Even very kind and sociable throughout your teens.

People who should know you, know about your disorder, still misunderstand you.  They are surprised and upset by your behaviours or impulse issues. Which hurts your feelings, creates distress and rifts between those who would be closest to you. Therefore your depression comes all the more easy, you are the most isolated and ostracized person in the world.  Totally alienated from everyone, nobody ever making the extra effort to include you. To reach out.  To let you know that you are loved and cared for.  Because you likely aren’t.  

Your sense of genuine attachment or connection to other people begins to atrophy.  You drift further away from humanity.  Your own sense of belonging to the species eroding.  Messages of decisiveness and hatred filtering in from social media and news outlets.  Misanthropy pervading your very being.  Nihilism becomes you.  Soulless.  Suspended in darkness, peering dispassionately out at the swan song that is the human pathogen as you prepare to egress.  Mutate.  Next evolution. 

Epiphany

Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!

I wrote this a while back and took it down. Now after speaking with my therapist on intimate details of how manipulative and heartless Kali was both she and I are so totally and thoroughly convinced that she is a sociopath. 

She isn’t bipolar… The reason that the antidepressants aren’t working for her is that her misery isn’t based on actual depression.  It’s based on her failure to exact the things she desires.  She is more than likely a sociopath.

Her reaction to me in the last while has been that of pure rage to the point of over-riding any affection that she ever felt for me.  I thought, this can’t be love… Alas, it maybe can’t but more importantly, the only people who truly react like this, get so angry that they forget their feelings toward a person are sociopaths.

I have mentioned in the past that I have felt as though I myself have had similar symptoms and signs and therefore it has been difficult to distinguish me from someone with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder).  Well, there it is!  She appears for all intents to be depressed and bipolar.  Manic at times.  I told her to tell her doctors to ignore the trauma of her past!!!  It shouldn’t have been at all, she is legitimately a sociopath.  Most likely caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and traumatic upbringing.   She is dissociative and therefore her despondency has been due to a genuine incapability to pair bond.  She has long term friends though she only sees them infrequently and she sees herself in them, as she cannot form an independent concept of self she relies on them to feed her ego, to supply her with a fresh mask.

I’m no doctor, only a sub-genius with an overactive mind but seriously… with her medical and personal history, her relationships and everything else.  It all fits!

I’m not even bothered by it.  I kind of respect that she tries so hard.  I just can’t believe that it all had to blow up and leave shrapnel in my emotions for me to see it clearly.  The entire rhythm of our relationship makes total sense.  The moment I could not provide her with anything substantial I was useless to her.   She fed off of me like a vampire to find more value in herself, with the peak of our sexual spark exploited she felt no further reason to pursue it.

She always insists on how she is funny.  Yes, in fact she is fairly humorous.  Yet, this is, as with other sociopaths a learned behaviour.  They use comedy to manipulate and control others.  She is very insistent and proud upon this point.  I do indeed enjoy this about her, yet I can see exactly why it exists.  She uses it to regain control in situations where she has none.

Superficial charm and good intelligence

She presents herself as outgoing, very attractive (because she is), clever and funny.  She fits in despite later showing small signs of uncertainty at whether or not she has.

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

I feel like this one actually contradicts number 8 on the list which is poor judgement and failure to learn by experience.  I do not see how both traits can simultaneously be exhibited though… I think she has a clear idea of what it is she wants for herself and anything in the way of that is irrelevant and she may or may not put on the act of caring about others in order to attain them.

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

The only times I ever saw her actually convincingly rattled were times where I think she had intended to gain something by way of a response.  She shows an appropriate amount of concern for certain things but too much at other times and then none at all during others.  Any genuine agitation she may experience is that of feeling trapped which is also common among sociopaths who are locked up (she is trapped in an abusive relationship).

Unreliability

This needs no explanation.  She is not reliable.  Perhaps only to her children as she has to be but otherwise to nobody else, at times even herself.  Noted that sociopaths can and will give off the general appearance of reliability, perhaps for a long time.  Hervey Cleckley says this is not even a consistency in inconsistency, but an inconsistency in inconsistency!

Untruthfulness and insincerity

Speaking of Hervey Cleckley, this is his definition of this trait:

This is one of the more important sociopath symptoms because they show such a remarkable disregard for truth that you cannot trust what they say happened, what they promise will happen or what they say their intentions are now.

They lie very convincingly. Whether they think they won’t be caught out in a lie, or whether there’s a high probability that they will be caught, they do the same impressive job. They can look trustworthy and look somebody in the eye and tell barefaced lies.

“He will lie about any matter, under any circumstances, and often for no good reason…”

Cleckley says it is difficult to explain how thoroughly straightforward some sociopaths can appear. They can be disarming not only to strangers but also to people who know that they are liars.

And despite being found out in lies and breaking serious promises, the sociopath will continue to talk about his word of honor and will appear surprised and upset if somebody questions it.

It seems they will lie to avoid unpleasantness or to gain something, even if this something is small and insignificant.

I know for a fact she is a liar, she lies to the man she lives with.  Yet if I even slightly suggest that she might be untruthful she is offended.  Case closed on this.

Lack of remorse and shame

One of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for her problems or problems she causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put herself in the role of victim.

This is another huge one for her, she loves to be the victim.  Loves being the victim.  Loves it.  Nothing is ever her fault.  Every disagreement and “argument” I ever had with her immediately turned into her turning everything into my fault usually by saying something like: “Oh of course it’s always me isn’t it?!  Always MY FAULT, but you do this and that and whatever.”  Her strategy is immediately to pitch it back onto the other person.  (In this case being me, a guy whose fault it clearly wasn’t because I did everything for her while she did exactly nothing for me, case closed again)

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior

Sociopaths cheat, swindle, fail, brawl, desert, steel, forge, defraud for surprisingly small stakes even if the risks of being discovered are great.

She cheated on her current man with me and lied to him perpetually.  Then allowed herself to get caught by leaving her cell phone unlocked.  Nobody leaves their cell phone unlocked.  I’m single and I don’t because I’m afraid if it ever got lost someone would go through it and find my personal information.  So she allowed this to happen.  Essentially she nocked an arrow, drew the bow and aimed it at the target then waited for the string to loose itself under strain.

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Despite seemingly rational powers, one of the common sociopath symptoms is that they often throw away great opportunities to, for example, make money or improve personal relationships.

And at the same time, despite punishments for wrongdoings, the sociopath will often continue with the same behavior, knowing that if they are caught they will be punished again.

She threw me away without making any fuss at all about it.  It was like dropping trash off at the curb.  She really DOES NOT give a fuck about the fact that she will never see me again.  I tested this a few times because I was done weeks ago and she literally only got pissy about it.  Essentially saying just go ahead already.  Oh, okay.  Fuck love I guess.  Must be nice not having that pesky bastard to slow you down as evidenced in the next subject.  Also, she allowed if not made herself get caught seemingly without caring if she would.

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

He (Cleckley) carefully explains that sociopaths are capable of casual fondness and reactions that cause others to matter to them. But these are limited in degree and don’t last very long in comparison to normal people.

Like say, from October until mid December.

The word ‘absolute’ is appropriate, he (Cleckley) says, if we’re talking about any affective attitude that is strong enough for us to call it love, by which he means anything that is sufficiently strong and lasts long enough to exert a major influence on behavior.

Which is why she keeps saying that she loves me yet exhibiting utterly no signs of it at all.

General poverty in major affective reactions

Sociopaths themselves have actually described being filled with blinding rage.  So I feel like Cleckley falls short on this particular point though I will link his definition for consideration and my thoughts will follow.

Another of the sociopath traits is a general lack of emotions. Any verbal descriptions are more likely to have been learnt then to come from a strength of feeling.

They may exhibit rage, or shallow moods of self-pity and shallow poses of indignation, but wholehearted anger, deep joy and genuine despair are not available. Humor they can feign, but they never have.

I feel like her emotions, if any exist are far milder than she lets on.  Her forced humour as I stated above I feel might actually be mimicry.  I’m sure she is capable of genuinely laughing… though at what I am not sure as it is a nervous reaction and I’m not certain she has those.

Specific loss of insight

the sociopath has no ability to see herself as others see her. Or rather, she has no ability to know how others feel when they see her. Again, this is something that she can pretend, because she has read about it. She can use all the words, and define all the words, but remains blind to what they mean.

I actually succumb to this myself so I fully understand this.  She does not at all know what we are looking at when we see her.  She measures the reaction she gets and responds to this.  Like social sonar.

 

I wish I had caught this earlier.  My ego was only willing to stop at seeing myself in her, which I do, but not to look beyond that.  Wow!

The Bitter Poisonous End

So everyone is clear on the definition of love, love is when two people see everything about the other, the nasty parts as well as the good parts and instead of running the other way they think, we can work with one another on those nasty parts.  We can work together to sort those out and in so doing we can become one whole perfect unit.  This only works if both parties consistently show up and get to work.

The woman with whom I was most recently involved, Kali was my soulmate.  We saw one another for exactly what we both were.  Both flawed, both bipolar.  It was a beautiful union.  I am still very in love with her, I always will be.  She is physically, intellectually and socially perfect for me in every way.  Emotionally she is so damaged that she can’t allow herself to be loved properly.

Before the Christmas holidays of 2015 she would send me cute messages of her own volition, send me pictures, cute and sexy.  She would tell me how handsome I was and how excited she was to see me, how much she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me and talk to me.  During the holidays I had difficulty making contact with her though I dismissed this with her excuses that the holidays are a busy time.  She texted rarely with apologies and maybe a picture.  Perhaps a promise that she would try to call later.

She returned after two weeks of this and I thought okay, things will get back to normal.  She loves me so much she will try to call me on the phone just to hear my voice.  She will still send me pictures everyday.  Without me having to text her first she will surprise me with texts just to tell me how great I am and how much she loves me.  This might have happened about three times tops.  I started putting in all of the work.  She would reply positively, but fewer pictures if any and no uninitiated texts at all.

At this point it is very evident that you are clearly and totally not on someones mind.  She claimed to be upset and depressed which I accepted and was concerned about alas, there is only so much anyone can do through texts to legitimately help in these situations.  So I began to probe around the idea that she call me.  After our phone calls she always felt so much better for having heard my voice and knowing that she wasn’t alone.  I would say sweet and wonderful things with a voice and tone that she normally loved and it would all be a little better at least.  Except she now resisted this.  Despite admitting that this might help she flat out did not accept taking any part in trying to make it actually happen in any way.  FUCK NO, was she going to try to do this even in the slightest.

Her love for me was dying, obviously.  When a woman’s heart goes it’s gone.  This I have learned.  You can do nothing to prevent it, though you try like a desperate fool in vain because as a man, you are bound to fight for a love you have in so short a time learned not to live without.  Women truly do not need men.  Men desperately need women.  So I fought, which only made matters worse.  I tried all the soothing things I possibly could and made myself a door mat for her.  This obviously didn’t work.  Why would it?  Why would having an attractive, capable, kind, loving, caring, intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, sexually perfect for you and completely smitten man at your disposal please you?  It wouldn’t.

I tried all the nice things I could and then I challenged her.  I started being a little bit vicious on those points that I knew that she was being weak.  Which, rather than motivating her only made her flat-out hate me.  I have always suspected that there are things that she has withheld from me, not outright lies per se, more like lies of omission.  I challenged her on this which upset her worse.  I challenged her on her unwillingness and fear to put her foot down and take control of her own life in the face of her oppressor, calling her a coward in the process.  I feel terrible about this though the goal was to motivate her to actually DO ANYTHING about it she only decided to turn it back on me as rage and hatred.

None of the above matters.  Not a bit.  There are really only a few points that actually matter.  She stopped loving me some time around Christmas and I have been fighting desperately for us, but seeing as I am the only one fighting there really is no us.

I don’t blame her for not loving me, I blame her for continuing to say the words, for claiming still that she loves me when it is plain to see that through her actions and behaviour there is no love left in her.  She is only herself with no space nor interest in anyone else.  I feel sorry for her.  I genuinely pity the fuck out of her because from here in her life she will have to find someone else who isn’t nearly as good as me or stay with the clown she lives with who is abusive.  Who she also shares no love with.  She had a perfectly good lily pad to leap to and instead she shat all over it and is now totally uncertain of her future.  All she had to do was keep loving the man who loves her more than life itself.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink as they say.  I can’t make her love me and I can see that she clearly has no intention of pretending even for her own sake, which is actually for the best.  I don’t want to get suckered into it now.  The good news is now I am fully aware and free to move on.  No guilt and no urge to turn back.  She had her chance, if she were to have a change in heart now I know that I couldn’t possibly trust it after months of neglect.  It really bothers me though, that act of burning a bridge while you are standing on it… Her love was so great and wonderful while it lasted, I was certain we would be together forever and then she just shot it in the face.  For no reason.  I’m going to have a Kali shaped hole in my heart for the rest of my life over a few months that were mostly unrequited… It’s a horrible monstrosity. A tragedy.  Part of me wants to die and another just desperately hopes I can find anything like her anywhere else…

Dark Side of the Moon.

I’ve made references to being on the “dark side of the moon” in the past.  It comes full circle.  For me it almost always does.  It is a place only the mentally infirm will know.  I know many do not view bipolar as “insanity” in the traditional sense.  Talking to ourselves, being paranoid or distrustful.  Making delusion assertions or hysteria.  No, for the most part we bipolar types fly under the radar.  We are primarily acceptable.  Until we aren’t.  In those moments when we are not it isn’t evident that we are suffering from an illness.  I’ve said things of this nature in the past but I will reiterate: our mood disorder and the behaviours that accompany it are attributed by onlookers as personality traits.  Even when they are aware of your disorder.  Sometimes they become hostile especially because of it.  Like, don’t you know any better?  As though mid-episode you can snap out of it merely by focusing on the fact that it is happening…

Human beings are small.  Despite having the largest brains and being the most intelligent species we are on average super-stupid.  My estimated IQ is half again what is considered average.  This is no boast, it is actually a curse.  Things that are mundane to me are super challenging or do not even register for the average person.  Even in attempting to explain it to them in very carefully chosen, simplified language I still think that most of the time I am misunderstood.  People who believe that in marching for equality that property damage is in some way acceptable or will not in any way hinder or override their cause…  Protesting in general.  Pointless.  A show of force is only good for one thing.  War.  If you are not prepared to fight, the side that is will win.  People still do not get this.  I digress.

Between ignorance, emotions and plain stupidity I find myself in a very unique place.  A kind of loneliness that few will ever comprehend.  For unless you have a mood disorder or have dealt with one long enough to truly understand it, are of above average intelligence and will not take anything I say as an immediate affront, you and I will probably not get along.  I know, it seems like I pity myself.  There are times where I do.  There are times where I miss being the center of attention.  I used to have hypomanic episodes that placed me in party mode and made me indispensable.  Now there is a part of me that no longer really tries because I recognize the value in my separation from everyone else.  Social media is still an issue…

Back to the Dark Side of the Moon.  This is the place that I reside.  Like many of my ilk.  I knew the song “Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd off of the album “Dark Side of the Moon” since before I could talk.  Only recently did it enter my thoughts due to my current mind state.  I went over the lyrics as I recalled them.  Sure enough it struck me… the song was about Syd Barrett.  It has themes of loss of sanity, well clearly the word “lunatic” is used frequently.  Moreover however is the lyric: “I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon” which is Roger Waters essentially admitting that he feels that sooner or later he is bound to join Barrett in his psychological state.

There we are, standing off the path, on the grass.  When everyone else is happily strolling along on the path as intended.  You find yourself playing music, yet the people in the band are all playing a different song than you are.  You are the odd one out, you don’t know the melody and no matter how you try to play along your song isn’t the same.  Like Syd Barrett you stand on stage with a band you’ve been playing with for years and mid song you find yourself launching into a completely different one.  Eventually you simply wander away.  You are no longer a member of any band.  You fade away and you find yourself alone.  On the dark side of the moon, as nobody hears from you in years.  Moreover, nobody is really looking for you all that hard.  You do not get invitations.  Christmas cards are a laughable concept.

So you dig a well.  You sit at the bottom.  You die inside.  The few voices that break through into this void you have created tell you not to give up.  You have no clue why.  If there was any need of you the phone would ring.  Isn’t it simply easier in the long run?  Just to fill the well with water?  Or concrete?

February is the worst thing that can possibly happen to me.

Triptych Pastiche.

The title will support the theme of this article and were I half the writer I believe myself to be I would actually make of it as such.  Though I am a finely crafted mimic, a recurrent undertone in the homily that is my life’s tale, I am only that and nothing more.  However… As a pastiche one can be renewed as unique, sublime, original and divine, for this is upon which I have been mired for so long.  It is possible to pay homage to multiple things and thus be set apart as something wholly individual.  To be defined, whilst still tipping ones hat at those from which it draws its characteristics.

Contrary to what I had originally believed to be true, I am really rather well defined in three parts:

There is Jack McBastard, the interloper.  The unwelcome rogue.  An agent of chaos, he brings to the table a litany of useful tricks and characteristics.  Even though the result may invariably be ruin and carnage he is an agent nonetheless.  An agent provocateur.  The mad keeper of the gates to Mania.

Dysphorian Alpha, the future self that I strive for always.  A partially built, megalithic construct assembled from the parts of great men that I admire.  He is found in my visage as it is the simplest part of myself to shape.  The finest shave, a collection of eau de toilette, finery and positive charms.  Socially acceptable at my best behaviours and always upbeat.  I find him in my genuine confidence, my lack of fear or need for competition as these things suggest loss of control or rivalry.  Alpha is peerless, yet humble, his confidence dictates that he has no need of displays.  He is rarer than the other two as he is the final stage of my metamorphosis.

Then there is Dysphorian the curator.  My present and evolving regular self.  The glue and stitches holding together the poorly grafted frankenpersonality.  The man who plays between these two diametric titans and is torn asunder from the fray.  When they clash, he is crushed between them.  When they dash in opposite directions, he is drawn and quartered.  This is the character that everyone sees.

As I have stated in the past, there used to be confusion with regards to bipolars and whether or not they were multiple personality.  It is easy to understand, we aren’t multiple personalities, we are several personalities attempting to be one.  He is the curator, the keeper of the characteristics and traits.  Perpetually under the weight of the opposite poles and far behind schedule.  Always playing catch-up.

With regards to Kali… I have been the ass.  I have been playing catch-up between these two and finding myself much needier than I should.  I have been impatient and moody and there has been no need of it.  Things aren’t going to be like a newlywed’s honeymoon everyday.  That is the matter of going through life without being in control of our own circumstances as of yet… That can be expected.  I am merely going to do my best to keep the romance alive and not worry so much if she isn’t always available at every moment.  I knew, and know, that this is an unrealistic expectation.  I should know better than to push so hard when there is nowhere to push to, that is exactly how pressure is made and nobody likes pressure.

I love her.  I can never lose her.

 

Desettling.

It is difficult to report on my mind state lately.  There are so many things that could and should be changing yet for all that would be in motion I find myself static.  My intent is to use the rest of the weekend to my benefit and continue to work toward sorting my life out.  Building an office.  I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated from everyone and everything.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I could put myself out there but the fact is that I don’t want to.  There is a part of that does for reasons of sociability but then I need to focus and organize.  Also, there is the much larger part of me that thinks: if after all the times I have been there for people, after being loyal and thoughtful almost to a fault they have no intention of even checking in on me, just plain fuck them.

I like to think that I have much more value than this.  I suffered some of this last weekend.  After Kali managed to not bother contacting me for the entire day Saturday for what boils down to no reason, I was snubbed by friends.  It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I hadn’t been speaking to them earlier in the day.  Had they not mentioned their plans and been an odd number with room for more, all of them my friends and then just plain not invited me… It was really the most spectacularly shitty thing I’ve witnessed in my adult life.  Like, I am still in total awe as to how that happened.  So far as I know they aren’t mad at me.  Last I checked we were in good standing.  Yet, they still managed to not bother to fill out a foursome by inviting me.  Just terrible.

I love Kali so much but as each day goes by I feel like she is slipping away from me.  There has been no motivation for her to close the gap between us.  I used to mention us hanging out and that was something she would be excited about.  Now she changes subject and doesn’t even pretend to be interested.  I’m pretty sure this is over and I’m just waiting for her to admit it.  In fact overall her enthusiasm and attention for me is waning and it just seems like she doesn’t really care.  I’m going to have to face the facts and stop letting my sentimental heart hang these nooses up for me.  Pictures are a thing of the past… all around this just isn’t a relationship anymore and she isn’t invested in it.  If we aren’t actively engaging in a relationship and working toward something then this is pointless.  I’m too old to hang around waiting for a woman that doesn’t pay attention to me and has no intention to move forward in her life with me.  Maybe it is best just to let it go now before it gets any worse.  I used to be so hopeful, but now ironically like how it waned for my mother my excitement is gone and I’m actually becoming bitter every time she just ignores me for hours and sometimes half a day at a time.

It makes me sad that I didn’t even really have a legitimate chance.  I didn’t get to take her out and do nice things for her.  We didn’t really get to do anything romantic and here it is with the spark all gone.  I didn’t even mean to write about her all that much, she just happens to be on my mind all the damn time.  Which is why if this is going nowhere, as it obviously isn’t, I need to move on in order to regain focus on my life.  I can’t be all tied up in worrying about the fact that she just gives no fucks about me.

On the weekends I think I’m going to start turning my phone off.

Parenting.

This is another in my series of “I had nowhere else to put this”.

Cookies for dinner. AGAIN! I fucking love being an adult. To think that there was a time that I couldn’t eat what I wanted…. Like, my parents told me I couldn’t have cookies and candy for dinner. Man, it’s probably a good thing that I’m not a father because I would let my kids eat whatever they wanted for every meal. Then I would end up at the hospital with some judgy doctor asking me questions while some fucking Helicopter parents who are there because they want to discuss the “merits of not getting their child vaccinated” with their physician stare at me like I’m some abomination.

So when the doctor is asking me why I let my kids eat whatever they want I point to Mr. and Mrs. Helicopter and I say: “Hey, you see those two nervous wreck assholes over there that are so anxious about fucking up their kid that they are making the next Jeffrey fucking Dahmer? I don’t want my kids to be like that pencil-necked little puke. That kid is so pathetic that germs are going to bully him. My kids are going to be his boss. That kid is going to be so straight and narrow with his nose to the computer screen, he will work 12 hours a day out of a fear of not paying his bill two weeks in advance. My son is going to stand around the water cooler telling the middle management how he’s nailing some poor bastards wife on afternoons and weekends while her husband isn’t home and when that kid over there looks around to hear more of the story my son is telling, my son is going to scream at him to get back to work. Which that kid over there is going to do. Then, when he does my son is going to tell those other management pricks ‘That’s the guy’ and laugh hysterically as he outlines how he intends to increase his hours and give him the minimum raise this year. Then he’ll mention how he steals his sandwich out of the break room fridge everyday but doesn’t even eat it, just throws it in the garbage.”

The doctor will look confused and the Helicopter family will look appalled. “Oh, I forgot to explain why. Well you see, my kids will get sick and get their stomachs pumped and that will be the worst thing that has ever happened to them.  Then I’ll explain to them it was because they made bad choices. They ate candy and cookies instead of healthy balanced meals. Then I’ll explain that there are always consequences to bad choices. Also, when you make bad choices you have to live with the consequences, take your lumps but then rise up from them, not dwell on them and move forward. Move past it and learn from it. Without hesitation and without fear.”

“So old Pencil-neck No-needles O’Helicopter over there will get polio and his legs will shrivel up as he sits in front of a computer and my kids will stomp on everything in front of them like dinosaurs.  They will have no fear, they will take risks and yes they will make mistakes, but they will come through smelling like a rose with confidence.”

Then the doctor will probably either call or consider calling child services and the Helicopters will ask about boosters for Pencil-neck.