Hello My Name is America

I had nowhere else to put this:

Hi, I’m the United States of American and I suck at almost everything I do with the exception perhaps of prisons and military spending. I misspell large quantities of basic english words. I am one of three nations (none of which are civilized) to use the imperial system for measurements of space and volume. I am one of three nations (none of them civilized) to use middle-endian date format placing the month before the day then following them both with the year in an order that is pretty much the opposite of logical. If I could be anthropomorphized by a single character it would be Sloth from The Goonies, because I’m big and tough but I can’t think at all.

My legal system spends billions fighting marijuana a drug that is not only harmless but also makes people generally more affable and pleasant. I have placed all of my future in oil and automotive yet these things are already endangered, but rather than admit this and shift my focus I am belligerently enforcing the use of oil and sale of internal combustion engines to the detrimental point of maintaining ongoing unsustainable wars. Wind, solar, geothermal and tidal power would do exceptionally well in my geography but I really don’t give a fuck. My goal is taking money from others. I just want other people’s money, I don’t care what the ACTUAL cost is. I just want the useless pieces of paper to throw around even though eventually with the way I am destroying the world you won’t be able to trade them for anything.

I’m addicted to firearms and I am slowly killing myself with them. My doctor is always prescribing me smaller and less unstable guns to help me stem my addiction but only the biggest, greasiest automatic, large ammo capacity, long range firearms will satisfy me. Every time a part of me dies from the firearms I complain that it was because I didn’t have enough firearms, paradoxically. I condescend to everyone and stand in the mirror telling myself that I am the best thing that has ever happened for about 23 hours of the day so that I believe it for the remaining 1. I am the biggest mistake that has been allowed to exist on this planet yet even though well over half the planet cannot abide me in the least I am convinced that I am the protagonist.

I am colourblind… in the sense that I can only see black and white and I only like white. Everything else is black and therefore bad. Even all women are black. Don’t ask me to explain why I think that, but I will be damned if women can have power over themselves in any way. Those whores can’t make decisions and that is final. Especially ones that regard their reproductive rights. If they just weren’t stupid dirty sluts then they wouldn’t have a problem. I value them based on their appearance alone and I want to fuck them. But if they want to fuck I want to execute them.
My president who is essentially my id should be a reflection of all of these things, though for the last 8 years he has not been and I have been suffering from cognitive dissonance. Soon I will be done bettering myself in any significant way though and will be right back on track to make mistakes and bad decisions with the liberty I was gifted by France. France, a nation that is better than me in pretty much every way, including militaristically, but I judge them based on one war that they hadn’t been prepared for due to massive industrialization. France is thin, sexy and attracts all the women I want to sleep with so of course I am jealous. I only just realized that I can’t buy history nor culture so I have decided upon a trend of ignoring these things completely just to spite those that have it. Mine is a culture of ignorance and inglorious unsophistication.

I hate the whole world for not being more like me.  When I die, most likely of a heart attack, I will blame everyone else.