Epiphany

Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!

I wrote this a while back and took it down. Now after speaking with my therapist on intimate details of how manipulative and heartless Kali was both she and I are so totally and thoroughly convinced that she is a sociopath. 

She isn’t bipolar… The reason that the antidepressants aren’t working for her is that her misery isn’t based on actual depression.  It’s based on her failure to exact the things she desires.  She is more than likely a sociopath.

Her reaction to me in the last while has been that of pure rage to the point of over-riding any affection that she ever felt for me.  I thought, this can’t be love… Alas, it maybe can’t but more importantly, the only people who truly react like this, get so angry that they forget their feelings toward a person are sociopaths.

I have mentioned in the past that I have felt as though I myself have had similar symptoms and signs and therefore it has been difficult to distinguish me from someone with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder).  Well, there it is!  She appears for all intents to be depressed and bipolar.  Manic at times.  I told her to tell her doctors to ignore the trauma of her past!!!  It shouldn’t have been at all, she is legitimately a sociopath.  Most likely caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and traumatic upbringing.   She is dissociative and therefore her despondency has been due to a genuine incapability to pair bond.  She has long term friends though she only sees them infrequently and she sees herself in them, as she cannot form an independent concept of self she relies on them to feed her ego, to supply her with a fresh mask.

I’m no doctor, only a sub-genius with an overactive mind but seriously… with her medical and personal history, her relationships and everything else.  It all fits!

I’m not even bothered by it.  I kind of respect that she tries so hard.  I just can’t believe that it all had to blow up and leave shrapnel in my emotions for me to see it clearly.  The entire rhythm of our relationship makes total sense.  The moment I could not provide her with anything substantial I was useless to her.   She fed off of me like a vampire to find more value in herself, with the peak of our sexual spark exploited she felt no further reason to pursue it.

She always insists on how she is funny.  Yes, in fact she is fairly humorous.  Yet, this is, as with other sociopaths a learned behaviour.  They use comedy to manipulate and control others.  She is very insistent and proud upon this point.  I do indeed enjoy this about her, yet I can see exactly why it exists.  She uses it to regain control in situations where she has none.

Superficial charm and good intelligence

She presents herself as outgoing, very attractive (because she is), clever and funny.  She fits in despite later showing small signs of uncertainty at whether or not she has.

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

I feel like this one actually contradicts number 8 on the list which is poor judgement and failure to learn by experience.  I do not see how both traits can simultaneously be exhibited though… I think she has a clear idea of what it is she wants for herself and anything in the way of that is irrelevant and she may or may not put on the act of caring about others in order to attain them.

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

The only times I ever saw her actually convincingly rattled were times where I think she had intended to gain something by way of a response.  She shows an appropriate amount of concern for certain things but too much at other times and then none at all during others.  Any genuine agitation she may experience is that of feeling trapped which is also common among sociopaths who are locked up (she is trapped in an abusive relationship).

Unreliability

This needs no explanation.  She is not reliable.  Perhaps only to her children as she has to be but otherwise to nobody else, at times even herself.  Noted that sociopaths can and will give off the general appearance of reliability, perhaps for a long time.  Hervey Cleckley says this is not even a consistency in inconsistency, but an inconsistency in inconsistency!

Untruthfulness and insincerity

Speaking of Hervey Cleckley, this is his definition of this trait:

This is one of the more important sociopath symptoms because they show such a remarkable disregard for truth that you cannot trust what they say happened, what they promise will happen or what they say their intentions are now.

They lie very convincingly. Whether they think they won’t be caught out in a lie, or whether there’s a high probability that they will be caught, they do the same impressive job. They can look trustworthy and look somebody in the eye and tell barefaced lies.

“He will lie about any matter, under any circumstances, and often for no good reason…”

Cleckley says it is difficult to explain how thoroughly straightforward some sociopaths can appear. They can be disarming not only to strangers but also to people who know that they are liars.

And despite being found out in lies and breaking serious promises, the sociopath will continue to talk about his word of honor and will appear surprised and upset if somebody questions it.

It seems they will lie to avoid unpleasantness or to gain something, even if this something is small and insignificant.

I know for a fact she is a liar, she lies to the man she lives with.  Yet if I even slightly suggest that she might be untruthful she is offended.  Case closed on this.

Lack of remorse and shame

One of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for her problems or problems she causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put herself in the role of victim.

This is another huge one for her, she loves to be the victim.  Loves being the victim.  Loves it.  Nothing is ever her fault.  Every disagreement and “argument” I ever had with her immediately turned into her turning everything into my fault usually by saying something like: “Oh of course it’s always me isn’t it?!  Always MY FAULT, but you do this and that and whatever.”  Her strategy is immediately to pitch it back onto the other person.  (In this case being me, a guy whose fault it clearly wasn’t because I did everything for her while she did exactly nothing for me, case closed again)

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior

Sociopaths cheat, swindle, fail, brawl, desert, steel, forge, defraud for surprisingly small stakes even if the risks of being discovered are great.

She cheated on her current man with me and lied to him perpetually.  Then allowed herself to get caught by leaving her cell phone unlocked.  Nobody leaves their cell phone unlocked.  I’m single and I don’t because I’m afraid if it ever got lost someone would go through it and find my personal information.  So she allowed this to happen.  Essentially she nocked an arrow, drew the bow and aimed it at the target then waited for the string to loose itself under strain.

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Despite seemingly rational powers, one of the common sociopath symptoms is that they often throw away great opportunities to, for example, make money or improve personal relationships.

And at the same time, despite punishments for wrongdoings, the sociopath will often continue with the same behavior, knowing that if they are caught they will be punished again.

She threw me away without making any fuss at all about it.  It was like dropping trash off at the curb.  She really DOES NOT give a fuck about the fact that she will never see me again.  I tested this a few times because I was done weeks ago and she literally only got pissy about it.  Essentially saying just go ahead already.  Oh, okay.  Fuck love I guess.  Must be nice not having that pesky bastard to slow you down as evidenced in the next subject.  Also, she allowed if not made herself get caught seemingly without caring if she would.

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

He (Cleckley) carefully explains that sociopaths are capable of casual fondness and reactions that cause others to matter to them. But these are limited in degree and don’t last very long in comparison to normal people.

Like say, from October until mid December.

The word ‘absolute’ is appropriate, he (Cleckley) says, if we’re talking about any affective attitude that is strong enough for us to call it love, by which he means anything that is sufficiently strong and lasts long enough to exert a major influence on behavior.

Which is why she keeps saying that she loves me yet exhibiting utterly no signs of it at all.

General poverty in major affective reactions

Sociopaths themselves have actually described being filled with blinding rage.  So I feel like Cleckley falls short on this particular point though I will link his definition for consideration and my thoughts will follow.

Another of the sociopath traits is a general lack of emotions. Any verbal descriptions are more likely to have been learnt then to come from a strength of feeling.

They may exhibit rage, or shallow moods of self-pity and shallow poses of indignation, but wholehearted anger, deep joy and genuine despair are not available. Humor they can feign, but they never have.

I feel like her emotions, if any exist are far milder than she lets on.  Her forced humour as I stated above I feel might actually be mimicry.  I’m sure she is capable of genuinely laughing… though at what I am not sure as it is a nervous reaction and I’m not certain she has those.

Specific loss of insight

the sociopath has no ability to see herself as others see her. Or rather, she has no ability to know how others feel when they see her. Again, this is something that she can pretend, because she has read about it. She can use all the words, and define all the words, but remains blind to what they mean.

I actually succumb to this myself so I fully understand this.  She does not at all know what we are looking at when we see her.  She measures the reaction she gets and responds to this.  Like social sonar.

 

I wish I had caught this earlier.  My ego was only willing to stop at seeing myself in her, which I do, but not to look beyond that.  Wow!

Honesty…

I was always a very honest person growing up and to this day have traits that are deeply biased in favour of being totally and completely open.  I am quite literally an open book.  When I make mistakes I often admit to them, often to my own detriment.  I don’t know so much that it is out of guilt, I’m not so sure that I understand guilt completely.  But even when I was taken advantage of in a very drunken state (read raped) I eventually had to own up to my then girlfriend because I felt it was right.  It took me some time and I hadn’t realized that technically I had given no consent nor would I had I been sober.  It destroyed that relationship.  At least I was honest, I guess it’s a small victory in some strange way.  A little brass medal that I got to pin on myself as a consolation.

As I have aged the veneer is peeling and flaking.  I am becoming less honest.  I haven’t even been fully honest in this blog which is anonymous.  Mostly on the off chance that someone connects me to my various sins and crimes.  I am not what you would call a decent man.  I represent a litany of vices in an unabashed display of hedonism and excess, despite being on the lower rung of society.  Afforded mostly by my charm, wit  and good looks, coupled with having nothing to be responsible for and therefore the maximum amount of disposable income.  I am Dorian Gray only without the wealth and no real need of it.  So my blog has come full circle.

Recently it has dawned on me that my condition might be a tad more complicated than I had realized.  I may well also have dipped into the category of antisocial personality disorder.  In addition to never having been affected by the death of humans and being openly disdainful of efforts to save people in third world countries I have a myriad of other similarities to the illness.  Most can be explained by bipolar as they are the same symptoms, however I may be suffering from a crossover or falling somewhere between them.
Risk factors for ASPD that I share:

  • Family history of antisocial personality disorder or other personality disorders or mental illness
  • Being subjected to verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood
  • Unstable or chaotic family life during childhood
  • Loss of parents through traumatic divorce during childhood
  • History of substance abuse in parents or other family members

Which happens to be all but one.  The symptoms that I exhibit are as follows:

  • Disregard for right and wrong  (I live my life as I see fit, I know that drugs and prostitution are illegal but that doesn’t stop me from occasionally enjoying them, I have a moral ambiguity)
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or for sheer personal pleasure (I have been unfaithful in relationships and not been honest about it, I have mislead people)
  • Intense egocentrism, sense of superiority and exhibitionism (Um, duh!)
  • Recurring difficulties with the law (I don’t suffer from this but I have dealt with the law more than the average honest citizen I think)
  • Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, impulsiveness, aggression or violence (agitation, irritation and impulsiveness overlap with bipolar)
  • Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others (any harm I may have ever done I can justify, I never feel guilty)
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors (overlap with bipolar)
  • Poor or abusive relationships (not abusive but poor indeed)
  • Failure to learn from the negative consequences of behavior (I will count this one, not because I don’t learn but that I don’t learn what people expect me to)

I never established a real emotional link with my mother which persists to this day.  My dealings with her are merely out of a sense of duty and obligation.  My stepmother was abusive and my father, despite having an initially positive relationship was never present.  He was at work, winding down or sleeping.  I do not blame him for this in any way.  I actually really do have a fondness for him, we are rather similar.

I think I was brushing up against this issue in this post.  I am slowly becoming disconnected from humanity and where once I had empathy for the individual I now have instead a top-down apathetic view of humans as a whole species.  I wish to preserve them which so often goes against what they consider “right”.  I suppose you would call this “Playing God” within my own mind.  Example:  People see the starving and dejected people of Africa and they are motivated to help so they send aid.  Or they volunteer to go assist themselves.  In my mind I see an entire continent of people that should be allowed to die down to a sustainable number.  Why should first world peoples invest in the lives of third world peoples who may get food and water?  Sure, but they will be without education and jobs.  Then you have to give them that too.  You are creating a cycle of dependency.  They only learn that strange foreign people will come and rescue them.  Except we aren’t really, because we stole their resources to begin with, we keep them impoverished and dejected by sneaking everything out of their continent without their notice nor consent.  We sell their gold/oil/trees for our profit and send back pennies for wells.  So why bother?  Let them die.  Eventually maybe there will only be as many people as they can actually feed.  Even if you manage to feed, clothe, house and educate these people, then what?  Religions will get them.  Or superstitions.  They still burn gays and witches.  No joke.  So why do you  think that you are doing any “good”?  The one that maybe gets all these benefits and survives it all more than likely will never be useful to the rest of civilized society in any way at all.  Oh sure, s/he will come to the western world and maybe get funded on a full ride for college.  But all they will do with it is start another charity in order to “help” their former countrymen.  Or, they will compete in a job market that already had enough first world people to begin with.

Let people die, sometimes it is the right thing to do.  Death is natural and there is no shortage of people on the planet.  In fact we are experiencing the opposite.  We have too many and our resources are being mishandled.  People starve and die in the west too.  As a species we are doing terrible and I personally loathe us.  Especially the misguided assholes who think they are actually doing “good works”.  You want to do good works?  Become a horse doctor for people.  No, actually it would be too humane to put them out of their misery.  Let them suffer to death and save the ammunition.  Why spend money when time will do the trick?  Africa is a living eugenics experiment and black people are losing.  I pity them, sort of…
If you don’t care enough about the collective survival of your entire people to band together and save yourselves, why should anyone else?  Why should other successful peoples be forced to pick up the tab for a failed people?  Like aboriginals.  And you’ll say: “But whites did that to both of them.”  Only because we were more advanced first.  Had their failed peoples had guns, ships and the wherewithal to employ biological warfare, white people would be on the losing side.  I see no reason to be compelled to help, to change anything nor to feel guilty about it.

Asians and caucasians are successful, hispanics are doing quite well for themselves.  Middle-eastern and black people are doomed to failure so their last ditch effort is to interbreed.  Which I fully support.  They have traits that are desirable.  You’ll probably say: “But when black people breed with other races the baby comes out black.”  Sure, the first time.  But then breed that one with another white or asian, and so on for generations and all you have left is nappi hair.  Look at Sicilians.

I think the solution is interracial breeding and a live and let die philosophy.  If everyone bred with someone who was not recognizable as their own race, races would be gone in three generations.  So, I feel as though I have nothing left to invest in my species.  I put my money where my mouth is: noting my mental illness I got a vasectomy.

As for diagnosis it is noted that because of many overlapping traits with other personality disorders a key distinction is as follows: “Someone with antisocial personality disorder is likely to have an accurate — sometimes superior — understanding of others’ thinking with little awareness or regard for their feelings. This leads the person to act out and make other people miserable — with no feeling of remorse.” I do have issues with this.  I take social cues in order to gauge feelings because I am not stupid but as for understanding the cause of them and whatever part I have in controlling them is, I am inept.

So now I wonder, am I bipolar?  Or a sociopath?

Is it possible to be something in between?

I have as many traits in one as I have in the other.  Which is damn near close to all of them in both cases.

What am I?